


Solemnly Swear

by AQueen



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Sirius Black, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Marauders' Era, Platonic Soulmates, Romantic Soulmates, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 07:11:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 39,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14848124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AQueen/pseuds/AQueen
Summary: Everybody has two soulmates whose names appear on their wrists. Sirius gets his first mark when he is only 5 years old, and his family is not pleased by the name. His mother forces him to cover it, and Sirius, at only 5 years old is too young to remember what it says.When Sirius gets to Hogwarts he decides that maybe he doesn’t want a Romantic soulmate anyway. So the name on his wrist is getting more stressful yet less important.And yet Sirius finds himself fallingin love.





	1. Small Sirius

Sirius wakes up with a twinge in his arm and a smile on his face. His soulmate tattoo has come in! He is only five and just learning how to read so he doesn’t know what it says but he recognizes a couple of the letters. There is a ‘u’, and another one! As well as a little ‘s’, smaller than the one in his own name, and an ‘i’. There’s only one though, where Sirius has two. He sits on his bed idly tracing the name on his wrist.

He is startled out of his daydreaming when he hears his mum yelling up the stairs. Sirius quickly jumps off the bed and gets dressed, choosing a short sleeve shirt to show off his new mark. He is so proud of the name on his wrist, he couldn’t wait to show his parents and brother. 

Once dressed he runs down the stairs grinning, then continues quickly into the dining room.

“Mum! Dad! Guess what?”

“What dear?” His mother asks, turning to him with a smile. 

“I got my soul mark!” he says proudly, brandishing his wrist. His father looks up from the paper with a smile.

“Well, let’s see it then. Who’s the lucky girl who gets to marry our Sirius one day?”

His parents crowd around, gently grabbing his arm to read the name on his wrist. They study it silently for a while before Sirius breaks in.

“What’s it say? What’s her name?” He asks excitedly.

His parents stay silent, faces curling into disgust.

“Is it a bad name?” Sirius asks quietly.

“Yes. It’s a half-blood boy,” the words are spit at him. Sirius doesn’t notice.

“I get a boy soulmate? He’s going to be my best friend!”

“No.”

“But, but he’s my soulmate.” Sirius says, feeling his eyes well up.

“Stop crying. Blacks do not cry.” Walburga waves her wand, summoning a leather cuff, “You will keep this on at all times.” she pulls Sirius roughly towards her, fastening the cuff over his mark. Once it is in place she points her wand at it. “There. Now you can’t take it off.”

Sirius looks at his mom in horror, pulling at the cuff.

“Stop that.” When Sirius doesn’t his mom slaps him. It’s the first time. 


	2. First Year

“Sirius! Get down here.” Sirius pulls harder at his trunk as he tugs it out of his room. “Sirius!”

“I’m coming! Just trying to get my trunk-” He breaks off with a grunt as he heaves against the trunk. His father appears at the top of the stairs, waving his wand to levitate the trunk, he walks crisply back down the stairs, leaving his son heaving at the top.

“Oh thank you father.” Sirius mutters under his breath, as he starts after Orion.

“What was that?” Walburga appears in front of him.

“Nothing.” Sirius says, flinching back.

“Hurry up.”

Sirius sighs and quickly follows her down the stairs, he couldn’t wait to get to Hogwarts and away from his family. His mother grabs his arm as soon as he reaches the bottom of the stairs and apparates them to King’s Cross Station. Once there, they hurry to Platform 9 ¾, the rest of the Blacks ignoring the odd looks they receive from the muggles, while Sirius watches them, fascinated, he’s never seen so many muggles before. While he is looking around, his mother shoves him into a wall causing Sirius to flinch, before realizing it is the entrance to the platform. Sirius looks around in barely concealed awe, he hasn’t been outside Grimmauld Place much since his soulmark came in.

Walburga jerks on his arm causing him to turn to look at her, his face quickly becoming a carefully concealed mask. 

“I expect a letter tonight telling me you’ve been placed in Slytherin. You don’t want to be another disappointment do you?”

Sirius gives her a single nod before grabbing his trunk and hurrying to the train. They are some of the first people there, his parents as eager to get rid of him as he is to get away. He climbs onto the train depositing his trunk in a random compartment before he wanders along the train looking to see who is there. He sees a few compartments that are filled with upperclassmen and near the back of the train there is a small boy sitting alone. Sirius studies him for a moment before walking in, he has messy light brown hair, and pale skin with scars showing beneath his robes. Good, Sirius thinks, and then immediately feels guilty, but at least maybe this boy won’t question him about his own. 

“Hi.” Sirius states, striding in and taking a seat.

“Hi.” the boy answers back shyly.

“First year?”

“Yes.”

“Favourite colour?”

The boy shoots him a weird look, “Yellow.”

“Hmm, favourite… word?”

“What?”

“Oh come on. That can’t be your favourite word. That’s so boring!”

“Who has a favourite word?”

“Mine’s Good-bye.”

The boy studies him curiously, “A lot of people hate that word.”

Sirius shrugs, looking away. He stares out the window for a moment before turning back to the other boy, “What house do you think you’ll be in?”

“Ravenclaw.”

“Ravenclaw?” Sirius scoffs, “That house is filled with nerds. They don’t know how to have fun.”

“Oh? And what house do you suppose you’ll be in? Not Ravenclaw then, and certainly not Hufflepuff.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Hufflepuffs are kind.  _ You _ are not.” But there is a smirk on his face. 

Sirius huffs indignantly, but is secretly pleased to have gotten a reaction out of the boy. “I could be kind. If I wanted to be.”

The boy raises his eyebrows in disbelief, “Mhmm.”

“Hi, I’m James.” comes from the doorway, “What’re we talking about?”

Sirius and the boy both look over at the intruder. The other boy gives a tentative nod in greeting before going back into the shell Sirius had just freed him from. Sirius leans back, crossing his arms and glaring at the newcomer,  _ James. _ James ignores his look, sitting beside Sirius.

“We were discussing our Houses before you so kindly interrupted.”

“I’ll be in Gryffindor for sure.” James says, ignoring Sirius’ snark, “What’re your names?”

“Sirius.” Sirius says, just remembering he hadn’t introduced himself when he had come in.

James looks at him, “Black?”

Sirius gives a curt nod, and turns to the other boy, trying not to scowl as the train starts moving with a lurch. He opens his mouth to speak but before he can the door to the compartment opens again and a short round boy comes in, “Do you mind? Everywhere else is full.”

“Sure, sure.” James nods, “We’re just doing introductions.”

“I’m Peter. Peter Pettigrew.” The boy,  _ Peter _ , says as he takes a seat beside the still unnamed boy across from Sirius. 

“Hello Peter, and what house do you think you’ll be in?”

“Oh definitely Hufflepuff.”

James smiles at him, before turning to the other boy, “Please state your name and house for the record.”

“Remus Lupin.”

Sirius tenses, jaw clenching. His family doesn’t like the Lupins. James shoots him a look, eyes narrowed but the trolley comes around and saves Sirius before James can say anything.

James stands up, looking over the selection of sweets, “I’ll take some of these, and some of these, oh and some of these.” He says as he grabs various goodies and throws them over his shoulder at the other boys. 

He turns back around after paying to see Sirius happily munching on a chocolate frog.

“Oh yes, please. Do help yourself.” he says dryly.

“It hit me in the face, I think I’m entitled.”

James huffs, crossing his arms and glaring at Sirius. Sirius stuffs the rest of the frog into his mouth, and then proceeds to choke. James’ facade cracks and he throws himself into the seat, helpfully thumping Sirius on the back with one hand while waving his other at the heaps of food, “Help yourselves, I bought enough for all of us.”

Peter digs in excitedly, while Remus reaches out tentatively as if expecting the permission to be revoked. James pays them no mind as he reaches for something for himself. When Sirius finally stops coughing, he indignantly grabs the box of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans out of James’ hand, and shoves a few into his mouth. A second later he spits them out again and shoves the box back at James, he grabs more chocolate instead.

“Definitely not Ravenclaw. Who eats more than one Bean at a time?” Remus shakes his head, as James doubles over in laughter. Peter chuckles too but seems a little wary of Sirius’ scowl.

The rest of the trip passes in a blur of jokes, and sweets, and very made up stories, at least on Sirius’ part.

***

Sirius is the first of the four boys called to wear the sorting hat, and he holds his breath as it sits on his head. After a moment it yells out “Gryffindor!” and Sirius stumbles off towards the cheering table. There are a few boos coming from the Slytherin table, most likely from his cousins and other prominent Slytherin families. Sirius doesn’t bother to look as he makes his way towards his new family in a daze. 

“Lupin, Remus.” Sirius blinks away the fog in his mind as Remus makes his way across the room to the Sorting Hat.

Not Gryffindor, not Gryffindor. No one would know about the train, but if he is in the same house, Sirius doesn’t know if he will survive if his family finds out he is in the same house as, is  _ friends _ with a Lupin. His family has never had anything good to say about the Lupins. 

“Gryffindor!” Sirius suppresses his groan and cheers with the rest of the table as Remus walks over.

Next is Peter, who the sorting hat deliberates over for a long time before also calling out Gryffindor. Thankfully the Pettigrews aren’t high on any sort of list of his family’s.

“Potter, James.”

Sirius gapes. He had talked with a  _ Potter _ ? Had befriended a  _ Potter. _ His family is going to hate-

“Gryffindor!”

Sirius cheers with the rest of the table as James saunters over to Sirius, Peter, and Remus. Well, Sirius thinks, they already hate me for my soulmate, and pretty soon my house, as well as befriending a Lupin when they find out, what’s a Potter on top of that? The Potters are only slightly better than the Lupins in his family’s eyes.

James laughs as he sits down, “Guess I was the only one who guessed my house correctly, huh?”

“I didn’t make a guess.” Sirius says indignantly.

“Maybe not out loud, but you’re a Black, you had to assume you’d be Slytherin.”

Sirius sticks his tongue out at James, unable to argue.

Sirius turns his attention back to the sorting, ignoring the other boys as they try to get his attention, too busy fretting over the impending letter home. Once the sorting is finished and the headmaster’s speech is over, Sirius keeps busy by stuffing food in his mouth, enough so that he can’t be expected to talk. The other boys realize pretty quickly that he doesn’t want to talk and aside from the odd look, they leave him alone. When they started towards their dormitories James holds him back from the rest of the group.

“What is your problem? And don’t say nothing, because you tensed up on the train when Remus introduced himself and then you avoided us the whole feast. I don’t get it, you were fine on the train, why’d the sorting change anything? I won’t put up with your Black attitude.” James whispers furiously.

“What? No! No. I just, my family. They aren’t- they won’t- won’t be happy I’m in Gryffindor. They won’t be happy that I’m friends with a half-blood, especially a Lupin, or a Potter,  and they will find out. There’s too many cousins and family friends here, too many that do believe in all that blood purity nonsense.”

“You’re saying you don’t believe? You aren’t going to be a git to Remus?”

“No. Promise.”

“Swear to me Black.”

Sirius flinches, “I solemnly swear that I will not judge Remus, or  _ anybody _ , for their blood status.”

James studies him for a moment, before breaking into a grin and throwing his arm around Sirius’ shoulder, pulling him towards him. “I knew I liked you.”

Sirius smiles weakly, and allows himself to be pulled along by James so they can catch up with Remus and Peter. 

***

Sirius avoids the Great Hall at breakfast the next morning, not wanting to be surrounded by people when the letter comes. He had sent a letter to his mother and father last night telling them he is in Gryffindor. He had found a deserted hallway to await the response.

The owl flies in with a red letter clutched in it’s talons, and Sirius knows he had made the right choice.

“GRYFFINDOR! You are a disgrace to the Black name. AGAIN. First the soulmark, a half-blood, and you, a you-know-what. Now a Gryffindor? You don’t deserve the name Black.”

The screaming voice of his mother echos through the hallway as the envelope bursts into flames. Sirius can feel his eyes welling up as he desperately tries not to cry. 

“Sirius?”

Sirius whips around rubbing at his eyes to see James coming cautiously towards him. 

“Sirius, are you alright?”

“Yeah-” SIrius croaks, he clears his throat and tries again, “Yeah, I’m fine.”

James comes forward and pulls Sirius into a hug, holding him tight. Sirius freezes for a moment before returning the hug. It has been so long since he has had a hug. 

“Please don’t tell the others.” Sirius sniffles.

“Of course, of course.” James holds him until he is calm again, and they head for class together, meeting up with Remus and Peter on the way. 

***

The first class is on soulmarks with just the other Gryffindors.

“Is there anybody here that has a soulmark?” Mcgonagall asks to start the class.

Sirius puts his head down, one hand clasped over the cuff under his desk.

“Sirius has his!” Peter says excitedly.

“Mr. Black is that true?” Mcgonagall asks.

Sirius lifts his head to meet her eyes before quickly dropping them again and lifting his cuff covered wrist in silent acknowledgement.

“Ah, I see you keep it covered. Many people do, especially when they get them at a young age. How old were you when you got the name?”

Sirius braces himself and forces his voice to be even, it is always difficult talking about the day his family started hating him, “I was five.” 

“Aww lucky!” One of the girls sighs.

Sirius glances at her, he definitely doesn’t think he is lucky.

“Would you say it was lucky, Mr. Black, to get your mark so early?”

Sirius shrugs, “I don’t see how it makes a difference.” He feels James’ hand on his shoulder. Mcgonagall narrows her eyes at the contact, before turning away and nodding.

“Do the rest of you feel that way as well?” The class glances at each other before nodding their consent. 

“What is the oldest that a person gets their soulmark? And yes, for those of you who don’t know- muggles have soulmarks too.”

“Twenty-one.”

“And the youngest?”

“Haven’t some people been born with one?”

“It has happened in very rare cases. Most people, about 95%, get their soulmarks after the age of twelve, and about 80% between the ages of fifteen and twenty-one. It’s important to remember that finding your soulmate is not a guarantee of an easy life and you would do well to remember not to take them for granted.

“Do the names ever change?”

“They can, not to a new person but the name on Sirius’ wirst for example, is likely his soulmate’s full, legal name. Once they meet the name may change to just their first name, or a nickname if it carries meaning for the couple.”

“Don’t you mean she?”

“Excuse me?”

“Isn’t the name on Sirius’ wrist a girl?”

Sirius stiffens.

“Not necessarily, everybody has two soulmates, most people have one platonic and one romantic though some people may have two platonic or two romantic. They may be any gender.”

“What’s platonic?”

“It would be a soulmate who you love, but not romantically. It would be like them being your very best friend.”

“So if the name on Sirius’ wrist is a boy then they’ll be platonic soulmates?”

“Not necessarily. Even if someone has the same gender name on their wrist they can be romantic soulmates.”

“Sirius could fall in love with a boy?!”

“This has nothing to do with Sirius, and I suggest that you don’t speculate about his name, if he wishes to tell you he will but I will not stand for him to be badgered.” Mcgonagall says sternly, fixing the Gryffindors with an intense look. “Okay. Any other questions?”

“Why would somebody get two platonic soulmates?”

“Not everybody desires a romantic relationship. Soulmates are the people in your life who go above and beyond what may be expected of them, they make the effort to love and support you, and accept you for who you are, sometimes that person is a friend and sometimes it is a partner, every soulmate couple has a different relationship.” Mcgonagall pauses before continuing somewhat sadly, “And not all soulmates are matched.”

The class is silent as they process that information. Sirius is bewildered. Maybe his parents don’t know that both soulmates can be platonic. Maybe they wouldn’t hate him so much if they knew. Sirius sighs. Probably not, he’s still a half-blood after all.

“Sirius,” Mcgonagall asks, pulling him out of his daze “Would you like to tell us your soulmate’s name?”

Sirius looks at her with wide eyes, and slowly shakes his head. He can’t, even if he wanted to. He hasn’t seen his mark since the day he got it and he was too young to read it then, too young to remember.

“I thought not. Now does anybody know the second part of a soul-bonding?”

“It’s a changing mark isn’t it? For you romantic soulmate.”

“Yes, they appear sometime after meeting a romantic soulmate, it can happen after a brief meeting, or not until years later. This leads some to find their soulmate even before the name appears. Everybody's marks change at different rates depending how their soulmate thinks. The name you get on your wrist will be whose thoughts appear on your body, and you will get them even if the soul bond is one-sided.” She pauses for a moment, looking around the classroom. “Any questions?” 

When nobody answers, she nods once, “Mr. Black, could you wait for a moment please? I’d like to talk to you. Class dismissed.”

Sirius stays in his seat as the rest of the Gryffindors collected their things. James gives him an encouraging smile before pushing Peter out of the classroom, Remus trailing behind with a last look at Sirius.

“Is there anything you wished to ask, Mr. Black? You seemed a little startled by all the information.”

“Please” Sirius says, voice small, “Please don’t call me that.”

Mcgonagall raises her eyebrows, “That is your name.”

“I don’t want it to be.”

Mcgonagall softens, “I suppose your parents aren’t happy you’re in Gryffindor?”

Sirius shakes his head.

She gives a small sigh, “Alright then, Sirius, do you have any questions you would like to ask without the whole class listening?”

Sirius shakes his head again. 

“Well, if you ever want to talk-”

“You’re not going to ask me about it?”

“Would you like me to?” 

Sirius frowns, he’d can’t remember ever being asked what he wanted.

“Sirius, your soulmark is your own business, you can share it or not with whoever you want. I am here to help if you ever have any questions though, whether you want to tell me anything about your soulmate or not.”

“Yes Professor, thank you, Professor.”

Mcgonagall sighs, “Go join your friends, or you’ll be late to your next class.”

Sirius grins, “We wouldn’t want that.” he jumps out of his chair, grabs his bags and saunters out of the classroom, walking right into his friends who are huddling outside the door.

“What did she want to talk to you about?” Peter asks, half excited, half worried.

“Soulmate stuff, wanted to know if I wanted to ask any questions without everybody else around.”

“Did you?” Remus asks curiously.

“What’s to ask?”

“Does anybody have their changing mark?” Peter asks, “I didn’t think to look, I’ll have to tonight!”

Remus shakes his head, James nods, and Sirius shrugs.

“Yes!” James crows, “My soulmate is at Hogwarts!”

“Really? What does it say?”

“You can’t just ask people that, Peter!” Sirius says indignantly.

James laughs, “It’s fine, Sirius, it just says my name right now. Probably heard it called for the sorting!”

“What about you, Sirius?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to know.”

“Why not?” Peter demands.

Sirius frowns at him, “I just don’t.”

“How can you not want to know? Is your soulmate so terrible that you don’t want them to be romantic? Is that it? Who is it?”

“I’m not telling you anything about my soulmate, Peter.”

“Why  _ not _ ? I thought we were friends.”

“I’ve known you for a day! And no, no I don’t think so.” Sirius stalks off, leaving Peter gaping behind him. Remus chases after him while James stays back to comfort Peter.

“Are you alright?” Remus asks softly.

“I’m not telling you anything either.” Sirius says stiffly.

“I don’t expect you to, are you alright though? He shouldn’t’ve asked you that.”

Sirius shrugs bumping Remus with his shoulder, “I’m fine.”

Sirius des look for his soul-mark that night, but he doesn’t find anything and he can’t help sighing in relief. He isn’t ready for a soulmate.

***

Sirius watches as the red-headed girl walks over to them, all of her attention focused on Remus.

“Hi, I’m Lily. Evans.”

“Remus Lupin.” Remus smiles at her, “You’re from a muggle family right?”

Lily tenses, “Yes.”

“Are you enjoying magic school better than muggle school so far?”

Lily relaxes, “Oh, yes! Though we’ve only had two classes so I guess we’ll see. Did you attend muggle school?”

Remus smirks slightly, “No, I was homeschooled. My parents didn’t trust me around the muggles, didn’t think I could keep a secret.”

“Are you bad at keeping secrets?”

Remus shrugs, “I can’t tell you that. You’ll try to get me to crack.”

“I’m going to take that as a yes.”

Remus shrugs again, “I can’t stop you.”

“How are you enjoying your first few classes with classmates then?”

“Oh I think it’ll be interesting, I’m sure these two,” Remus gestures at Sirius and James, “will be more distracting than helpful.”

Sirius gasps, hand to his chest, “I will have you know I am a fabulous student!”

“I didn’t say you weren’t, I just said you were distracting.”

Sirius puffs out his chest dramatically, “Oh, well in that case, yes. Definitely. I am a terrible distraction.”

James snorts, Remus smirks, and Lily frowns, “You’re Sirius Black?”

“You’ve heard of me? Tales of my greatness must already be circling the school!”

James snorts, “She probably heard your name at the Sorting, and the soulmate class.”

“You just have to ruin all of my dreams!” Sirius shouts.

James rolls his eyes with a grin, “So sorry.”

“You should be.” Sirius huffs.

Lily raises her eyebrows, attention on Remus, “You’re friends with Sirius Black?”

James frowns, “What’s that supposed to mean? Sirius is great.”

Lily scoffs, “Not from what I’ve heard.”

“And who have you heard it from? Perhaps you need better sources.” James snaps angrily.

“I don’t need to explain myself to you.”

“Well don’t insult my friend.”

“Oh, whatever. You’ve known him for two days, it’s not like you’re that great of friends already.”

“Oh and you’ve known whoever has been insulting Sirius for so much longer?”

“We met over the summer actually,” Lily sniffs.

“Ooh, a whole, what, month and a half. I’m sure you know them so well.”

“Better than you know Sirius.”

“I doubt it.”

“Better than Remus knows either of you. Remus,” Lily takes a deep breath turning to Remus and speakly evenly, “you’ve only known these gits for two days, I’m sure you don’t know them all that well. When you finally figure out what I already know, remember that you’re always welcome to come sit with my friends and I.”

“I want to know who your friends are, who’s been insulting Sirius? Is it a Slytherin? They’ll all hate him because he is the first Black to not be in Slytherin in generations.”

Lily whirls on James, hair flying, “I have no interest in talking to you, so don’t talk to me.” Lily glares at him for a moment, James glaring back, before she spins and starts walking away. She turns once, offering Remus a cheery wave, “Bye Remus!”

James stares after her in shock, “Who does she think she is?”

Remus sighs, “I don’t know. She seemed nice at first. She just really does not like you two.”

Sirius huffs, “Whatever. I don’t need everybody to like me. In fact there’s definitely more people here who hate my guts than like me so one more doesn’t make much difference.”

“Why approach you, Remus, when we’re with you then if she hates us so much? What did we even do to whoever she’s been talking to?”

Remus shrugs, “Does it matter?”

“You’re not going to be friends with her right? You’re not going to leave us? We’re besties!” James exclaims.

Sirius shoves him, “Leave him alone James, he can choose his own friends.”

Remus rolls his eyes, “Don’t worry, James, Siri, I’ve got no intention of leaving you.”

James grins, “I wasn’t worried.”

“Of course not,” Sirius smirks. 

“Hey, Black!” Sirius looks up startled at the sound of his name. Marlene, one of the other Gryffindor girls in their year is walking towards them.

“McKinnon.” Sirius greets her.

“What’d you do to Lily?”

“What? Nothing! Why?”

“Why’s she hate you then?”

James opens his mouth to speak but before he can Sirius flings a hand out, smacking him lightly in the chest, “I talked to her for the first time today, she already hated me.” Sirius shrugs.

“Oh.” Marlene looks down for a moment, “Don’t suppose you know who her friend is?”

“Which friend?”

“The one she gets all of her magical information from. She met him over the summer.”

“She wouldn’t tell us.”

Marlene sighs, “Of course not.” She shakes her head, “Anyway, do you know Mary?”

“Haven’t had the pleasure yet.” Sirius says, holding out his hand to Mary.

She offers him a shy smile, “Mary. McDonald.”

“Sirius Black.”

“James Potter.”James adds, holding out his hand as well. Sirius rolls his eyes.

Mary shakes James’ hand and turns to Remus.

“Remus Lupin.”

“Well now that we all know each other. Or each other’s names at least. We best be on our way.” Marlene says as she starts to pull Mary away, calling over her shoulder, “See you around!”

“I like her,” Sirius states, watching her walk away.

***

“Hey!” James says squishing in between Sirius and Remus on the couch and throwing his arms around their shoulders. “What’s everybody’s plans for Christmas?”

“I’ll be going home for Christmas, nice quiet holiday with my mum and dad.”

Sirius shrugs James’ arm off, annoyed at his chipper tone, “I’m staying here. You know that.”

Remus gives him a look, probably because Remus did not know that. Sirius scowls, stupid James.

“Wrong-o Sirius. You’re coming home with me!”

“Come off it, James. Your parents would never allow that.”

James looks at him with a pout. He reaches inside his robes and pulls out a slightly crumpled letter, “What’s this say then?” he shoves the letter in Sirius’ face.

Sirius rips it out of his hand and glares down at the letter, his scowl turning to a confused frown the further he reads. “How’d you get them to agree? The Blacks hate the Potters, I thought it went both ways.”

“Yes. Well. It did, but I talked to them and explained-”

Sirius stands up, whirling on James, “What did you say?”

James holds up his hands in surrender, “Just that you needed a place to stay for Christmas.”

“That’s all it took?” Sirius scoffs. “Did you tell them my name?”

“Sirius, they’ve known your name for months. Sure they were a little unhappy in September, but they’ve come around.”

Sirius scowls, “So they don’t hate me anymore? How comforting.”

“Come on, Sirius! I promise it’ll be great. I’m not letting you stay here alone for Christmas.”

Sirius throws himself back onto the couch, half landing on James. “Fine.”

“Brilliant.” James grins. 

***

Sirius steps off the train, hanging back a bit as James runs over to his parents. Despite James’ reassurances he was still nervous.

“You’ll be fine, Sirius. I’m sure the Potters are very nice.” Remus says, coming up behind him.

“I’m a  _ Black _ .”

“And James’ friend.”

“A  _ Black _ , Remus. Potters and Blacks haven’t gotten along in generations!”

“You and James get along fine, so you’ve already broken the trend. Now get going.” Remus shoves him in the direction of the Potters with a wave before taking off to look for his own parents. Sirius stumbles a bit before going to meet the Potters all the while glaring at Remus’ back.

“Mum, Dad, this is Sirius! Sirius, these are my parents.” James says proudly.

“Thank you for allowing me to stay with you this holiday season, Mr. and Mrs. Potter.”

“Oh no dear, Mr. and Mrs. Potter is much too formal. You can call us Mum and Dad, or Fleamont and  Euphemia, and its our pleasure. Nobody deserves to be alone for Christmas.”

Sirius nods but doesn’t otherwise respond. James nudges him and rolls his eyes before dragging him towards the exit, chatting excitedly with his parents until they reach the apparition point.

“Okay you boys go get settled in, we’ll have dinner soon.” Mrs. Potter says, once they arrive at the Potter house, before she and her husband walk away.

James turns excitedly to Sirius, “Come on! I’ll show you my room. You can stay in there if you like or you can have one of the spare rooms.” He pulls Sirius towards the stairs.

“What about our trunks?” Sirius protests, looking back to where they are still sitting in the doorway. 

“One of my parents will bring them up later, they’re too heavy to take up the stairs. Now come on!” He tugs on Sirius’ arm, so he relents and follows James up the stairs, casting a worried glance back at the trunks. 

“So this is my room,” James declares, pushing the door open and making a grand sweeping gesture with his arm. Sirius steps in and immediately flops onto the bed, feeling more comfortable now that he is in James’ space.

“It’s nice.” Sirius murmurs, turning his head to look at James.

“Yeah. So how do you want to spend the holidays? Any traditions you want to do?”

“No, no. Just whatever you normally do is fine. More than fine really. It’ll be perfect.” Sirius says staring at the ceiling.

“Sirius,” James pauses, “are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. Just tired. All that sitting on the train really tires a bloke out.”

James laughs, “Yeah, sure Sirius. Come on, I’m starving. Let’s go eat!” James bounds out of the room, careening off the walls.

Sirius follows reluctantly, ready to just sleep and not wanting to suffer through a family dinner. He walks slowly down the stairs, following his nose to the kitchen when he reaches the bottom.

“Oh Sirius, good you found your way. James is no good for anything when he’s hungry.” Sirius flinches at her words though she doesn’t notice as she turns to look at something on the stove. She turns back holding a salad bowl, “Would you mind taking this to the dining room Sirius? It’s just through there.” She points to a doorway after handing him the bowl. Sirius nods mutley and makes his way to the table. James and Mr. Potter are already seated, talking animatedly.

“Sirius! You found us!”

“Yes, no thanks to you.” Mrs. Potter says as she comes in, thwacking James lightly on the head. Sirius flinches again. “Well let’s eat. Everybody dig in.” Sirius silently accepts the dishes that are handed to him, putting a little of each on his plate, before passing them on. 

“Aren’t you hungry?” James asks glancing at his plate.

“Oh, um. Yes. Yes but this is good. This is lots.”

“James, you leave him alone. Just because you stuff yourself doesn’t mean Sirius must as well.”

“But Dad-”

“James. Eat your dinner.”

James sulks for a moment before his father pulls him back into conversation, though he manages to send Sirius a lot of worried looks throughout the meal. Sirius finishes first on account of how little he had taken. He feels his stomach grumble silently, used to as it is to the Hogwarts meals. 

“Did you have enough to eat?” Mrs. Potter asks, interrupting the conversation she is having with her husband and son. 

“Oh yes, thank you. It was delicious Mrs. Potter.” She frowns briefly at him, before turning brightly to her husband, “Fleamont actually cooked most of it, I just helped tonight. This meal is one of his specialties.”

Sirius freezes for a moment before turning a slightly forced smile on Mr. Potter, “Well it was delicious either way.”

“Well thank you. Does your dad do much cooking?”

“Our house elves do all the cooking,” Sirius mumbles.

“Ah, so you’re used to better cooking than this then. Especially after a couple months at Hogwarts. I miss eating there some days, those elves were superb cooks.” He sighs happily.

Sirius nods agreeably but stays silent wondering what the heck was going on. Asking about his family, speaking kindly of house elves? Sirius just wants to go to bed and hopefully wake up tomorrow back at Hogwarts, alone for Christmas but at least somewhere that is familiar and comfortable. 

He listens silently as the three Potters talk while eating their meals, laughter ringing out constantly from Mr. Potter and barely suppressed smiles from Mrs. Potter as James retells the adventures the four Gryffindor boys have had so far at Hogwarts. Sirius tries not to fidget as he waits for them to finish. James sends him questioning looks every so often, and Sirius tries to smile back each time. He must not manage it the last time as James stops in the middle of his story to talk to Sirius.

“You can leave if you’re done Sirius, you don’t have to wait for us. I’ll be up in a bit if you want to go up to my room.” James says softly. Sirius shoots a glance at Mr. and Mrs. Potter, they both nod at him, and he smiles gratefully.

“Thank you again for dinner, and for having me for the holidays.”

“Oh it’s no trouble dear, now why don’t you head up to bed, you look exhausted.” Mrs. Potter smiles kindly at him. 

Sirius nods, and leaves the dining room, walking through the kitchen and then back into the sitting room to which the staircase was attached. He trudges up the stairs, head hanging until he reached James’ room. He flops face first onto the mattress, face buried in a pillow. 

He is asleep when James comes in, closely followed by his parents who are levitating the boys’ trunks.

James smiles when he sees his friend, whispering,  “Can you help me get him under the covers?” 

Mrs. Potter flicks her wand, gently lifting Sirius off the bed, and removing his robe with magic, leaving him in a shirt and trousers as Mr. Potter pulled back the blankets. Mrs. Potter lowers him again, allowing Mr. Potter to pull the blankets over the sleeping boy. He leans down and gently kisses his temple. 

James moves towards his dresser to pull out sleep clothes. His parents wait outside while he changes. They came back and tuck him in as well.

Good nights are whispered all around, as James settles into the bed beside his best friend.

***

Sirius wakes up the next morning his face just inches from James’. He jerks back and sits up looking around the room. He doesn’t remember getting under the covers, or getting undressed, or James coming to bed. 

He slowly climbs out of bed, moving over to his trunk that is now sitting against the end of the bed, James’ trunk sitting near the closet. He pulls out some clean clothes, making his way quietly to the bathroom. He changes and gets ready for the day before making his way back to James’ room and sitting against the wall to think. He thinks about James, Remus, and Peter, about how good of friends they have become in his four months at Hogwarts, well, James and Remus at least. He thinks about Remus and his soulmark. He thinks about the differences between his and James’ families. He doesn’t know how long he has been sitting there for when the door opens, Mr. Potter peeking into the room. 

He looks at James sound asleep and shakes his head before turning to Sirius, “Euphemia is making breakfast, you can come down if you’re hungry or you can wait for James, though Merlin knows how long he’ll sleep for. I’m sure you know how he is.” He looks at Sirius expectantly.

Sirius glances at James’ sleeping figure and then back to his father before nodding and standing. He pauses hesitantly by his trunk looking at his robes, he glances back at Mr. Potter’s retreating robe-less back and decides to forgo the robe for now. He can always say he forgot and come back to change if it was the wrong choice. Hopefully the punishment wouldn’t be too harsh. 

He enters the kitchen, and Mrs. Potter turns and hands him a plate of bacon before shooing him into the dining room, “Go eat.” He finds Mr. Potter already at the table reading the paper, though he puts it down as Sirius enters with the bacon. He snags a few pieces of bacon off the plate as Sirius is setting it down.

“Help yourself Sirius, Euphemia is likely just hiding a few pieces of bacon for James for when he gets up or she knows I’d eat it all.” He laughs.

“You don’t need all the bacon Fleamont.” she calls teasingly from the kitchen.

“Oh but I do! James should get up earlier if he wants any.”

“I’m up! I’m up!” James grumbles making his way into the dining room, Mrs. Potter following him. James has a pre-made plate of food in one hand, the other mussing up his already messy hair. He looks blearily at the table, “You haven’t eaten yet?”

“We were just about to start.”

James plops down beside Sirius, digging into his food. Sirius nervously helps himself to a slice of toast and an egg. 

James eyes his plate as he eats his own food. James watches him the entire time he’s eating his single piece of toast and egg. When Sirius finishes and sits and waits, not reloading his plate, James looks at him harder. He glances towards his parents before leaning towards Sirius, “Why aren’t you eating?” he whispers.

“I ate.” Sirius whispers defensively.

James rolls his eyes, “Barely. Come on, Sirius, you haven’t been yourself since we left Hogwarts. What’s going on with you?”

“I’m myself just fine.”

“No you aren’t!” James exclaims, voice rising. Sirius looks on in horror as his parents turn to watch the exchange.

“James, I’m fine, really-” Sirius tries to calm him but James talks over him.

“You’ve barely talked, barely ate! You woke up early and it wasn’t for a prank! Sirius, I’m worried about you.”

“I’m fine, James. Really.” Sirius tries again.

James frowns at him, “Prove it. Eat another piece of toast and like six pieces of bacon.”

“No, I couldn’t really. There’s only-”

“Sirius.” James warns.

Sirius turns to Mr. and Mrs. Potter, hoping to find help but all he gets is Mr. Potter holding out the bacon plate towards him. Sirius sighs and takes a few pieces. When the Potter gazes don’t let up he takes a few more until he has six on his plate. James hands him a piece of toast. Sirius sighs, but is internally grateful. He doesn’t know if he would survive eating so little again after being at Hogwarts. He thanks the stars for James Potter.

James looks smug as he watches a glaring Sirius dig into his food. James hums a moment before happily digging back into his own food. When he finishes he tries to steal the last piece of bacon from Sirius’ plate and Sirius slaps his hand away. James grins but Sirius pales, moving his hands into his lap, waiting for the reprimand.

“Eat, Sirius! What’s gotten into you, seriously?”

Sirius hesitantly reaches for the bacon and eats it quickly, wanting to be gone from the table. Once he swallows, James hops out of his chair, “Okay well we’re going to go upstairs to my room now, do kid stuff. You know, as kids do.” James keeps babbling as he pulls Sirius out of his chair and all the way to his room. He shuts the door behind them before turning to look at Sirius. “What’s wrong? Sirius, please. You didn’t even react to me saying ‘seriously’, that always gets a reaction!”

“I want your parents to like me,” Sirius mumbles. 

“What? Sirius, they already like you. I mean yeah they were a bit wary in September when I wrote and said I had befriended a Black, but they got over that quickly once I told them about you!”

“What?”

“What? Sirius, I don’t understand what’s going on with you!”

“My home isn’t like this. My parents aren’t like this.” Sirius whispers, “I’d have been hit five times already this morning if I was at home.”

“What? For what?”

Sirius ticks them off on his fingers as he says them, “For not wearing robes to breakfast, for taking a second helping, for having bacon, for stopping you from taking the bacon off my plate, for speaking without waiting for one of my parents to address me.”

James stares at him open mouthed before closing it with a snap and saying furiously, “They can’t do that!” His voice drops to a horrified whisper, “They can’t do that Sirius!”

“They can and they do. They’ve been doing it since I was five, nobody’s ever stopped them.”

“Since you were five? What-”

“The year, or more precisely the day I got my soulmark.”

James falls onto the bed his voice barely able to be heard as he asks, “What?”

“It’s a boy you know. My soulmate, the romantic one according to my parents.” Sirius laughs harshly.

“What? Sirius, why didn’t you tell me!” James jumps up off the bed.

“Do you want me to leave now? I’m sure Hogwarts will take me back early, I don’t know that I’ll be able to switch rooms though. Maybe if you complain enough they’ll lock me in a room by myself.”

“What? Sirius, no! Why would I want you to leave? You’re my best friend, I don’t want you to leave!”

“But I- my soulmate- what?” Sirius asks, voice hollow. He’s still standing in the middle of the room, where James had pushed him when they came in. James comes to stand in front of him, forcing Sirius to look at him.

“Sirius, I don’t care who your soulmate is as long as they’re good to you.”

Sirius looks away, staring at the wall behind James.

James sighs, considering a moment before wrapping Sirius in a hug. Sirius freezes, but slowly, muscle by muscle relaxes into the hug. “I love you, Sirius, and my parents do too because I do. Please just be yourself, the you that I met at Hogwarts cause I think that’s the real you. Please.”

Sirius nods his head into James’ neck, trying not to cry. James holds him as he sniffles, and eventually pulls back, “Please don’t tell the others.”

James nods, “But they won’t care either you know. And even if they did that would mean they weren’t really your friends. Our friends.”

“Not yet. James, please. I couldn’t handle it if you were wrong.”

“Okay, okay. Solemnly swear. I won’t say anything. You can tell them when you want to. If you want to.

“Thank you.”

***

The rest of the holidays pass quickly, Sirius relaxing a little bit more with each passing day until it is time to return to Hogwarts. 

“We’ll you see you at Easter then, Sirius?”

“Yes, sir.” Sirius nods. 

Mrs. Potter smiles at him, “Do you think we’ll be able to rid you of this Mr. and Mrs., sir and ma’am business over Easter?”

Sirius smirks, “No, ma’am.”

Mrs. Potter laughs and pulls him into a hug, Sirius freezes for just a moment before relaxing into her. He wished his mom hugged him like this. 

“Okay now let’s get to the train station before the train leaves without you.”

They apparate to the station with all their things, before making their way to the hidden platform.

“Now I’m sure you’re eager to get back to your other friends and away from constant adult supervision.”

James smirks, “You know I never want to leave!” he says, even as he’s backing away.

“You get back here for a hug James Potter!”

Sirius laughs as James pretends to sulk back towards his parents, once he’s close enough though he throws himself at them, one arm around each. He pulls back with a grin before dashing off again, “Bye, Mum, Dad, love you!” called over his shoulder.

Sirius grins watching him go and makes to dash after him.

“Not so fast, young man.” Mr. Potter says sternly.

Sirius turns back, thinking he greatly misjudged the entire break at the sound of his voice.

“Don’t think you’re getting away without a hug as well.”

Sirius stares at him blankly for a moment, until he pulls him into his arms, wrapping him in love and comfort. 

“We’ll miss you, Sirius, be sure to write.”

Sirius nods and grins, before taking off in the direction that James had disappeared. He finds him already seated in a compartment with Peter. 

Sirius sighs as James asks, “Have a good break, Pete?”

“Oh yes it was fantastic!” Peter turns to Sirius with a wicked grin, “How was yours with the Potters? We can hex James if you want to tell me the truth.” Sirius thinks he might be able to become friends with this boy after all, usually it was awkward at best.

“Yes, let’s hex James!”

“Hey!”

“Why are we hexing James?” Remus asks as he enters the compartment.

“So I can gossip about the Potters!” Sirius answers, grin wide.

“Git.”

“Did you enjoy yourself, Sirius?” Remus asked, smirking.

“Yeah, yeah it was good, don’t worry your pretty little head about it, James. The first couple days were awkward but after that I had a splendid time.”

“Why was it awkward?” Peter asked. 

“Well I um-”

James cut in, “Well you see, the first couple days my good friend Sirius here didn’t want to get me trouble with the folks, so he was pretty quiet. Didn’t quite believe they’d like a Black. Never should have convinced him otherwise, but anyway once he realized that my parents loved him- more than me I’d wager- he lost all loyalty and started telling them all the stories I was avoiding! Backfired on him a couple times though since the prat got sent to my room with me. Not that that was much of a punishment since we got sent together, but we let my parents believe we were properly chastised.”

Sirius grinned at James, thankful he left out anything about Sirius’ own family.

“And Remus? How was your Christmas?”

“Nice and quiet, which was a nice break from you lot, got sick near the end, so I wasn’t able to enjoy the new year.”

“You get sick too much, surely someone could come up with a potion or something to make you right in a jiffy.”

Remus gave them a strained smile, “Wouldn’t that be nice. Peter, how was your holiday?”

“We talked about that already, Re-”

“I didn’t get to hear it.” Remus interrupts Sirius with a glare.

Sirius sulks as Peter tells Remus about his christmas.

He claps his hands once Peter is finished, “Okay! Time for some exploding snap!” They pass the rest of the trip to Hogwarts with various games, jokes, and stories.

***

Sirius has just sat down at the table in the Great Hall, when an owl drops a letter onto his plate. He pales at the writing on the envelope, and reaches out hesitantly with shaking hands to open it.

 

Sirius, 

 

We heard you spent Christmas with the Potters. That is unacceptable. We will see you at Easter.

Walburga and Orion

 

Sirius frowns at the letter as he crumples it up and stuffs it in his pocket. Sirius avoids his friends’ questioning gazes and focuses on eating his breakfast. He listens to his friends chattering but refrains from joining in, too caught up in his own thoughts. 

***

Sirius watches worriedly as Remus stumbles around the dorm. He looks exhausted. Even after spending the previous day in the hospital wing, he doesn’t look like he got any rest. While he is in the bathroom getting ready, Sirius dumps his bag out on his bed, shoves most of the paper and quills back in it, and his history of magic textbook- not important. He then shoves his mostly empty bag under his bed, and kicks a few discarded robes to join it. He is just stuffing his things into Remus’ bag when he comes out.

“Sirius what are you doing in my bag?”

“Well I couldn’t find mine, so I just thought I would use yours for today. You don’t mind do you?”

Remus rolls his eyes, “I’m not carrying your things around for you.”

“Please?” Sirius begs, giving Remus his best puppy eyes, “I need a bag Remus! I can’t possibly fit this all in my robes.”

Remus’ eyes flit between Sirius and the full bag, it is almost bursting at the seams, it is going to be heavy.

“No, Sirius.” he sighs, “you’ll have to find yours.”

“No time. Remus please? You owe me for stealing my jumpers all the time!” 

“I  _ borrow _ them.” Remus shakes his head.

“I’ll even carry it!”

Remus gives him a look but finally relents with a small nod.

“Thanks, Re! You’re the best!”

Remus sighs again, pushing past Sirius to go downstairs. Sirius grins, thankful his plan worked. He follows Remus around all day, carrying their books and complaining. Remus just smirks at him, and rolls his eyes telling him not to lose his bag next time. 

Sirius loses his bag for a couple days the next month too.

***

“Ready for Easter, Sirius?” James asks, flopping onto Sirius’ bed.

Sirius grunts and continues packing. He hasn’t told James about the letter yet, and they are talking the train home for break tomorrow. Maybe he won’t tell him. Maybe his parents will forget and not show up. Maybe Sirius will be happy over break. He carefully places his last robe in his trunk and slams it shut before laying down beside James on his bed. 

They fall asleep like that, laying beside each other sideways on Sirius’ bed. Someone- Peter probably- had draped James’ blanket over top of them sometime in the night. Sirius wakes up the next morning, dreading the day and what he might find when they arrive in London. 

 

“Look there are my parents!” James says excitedly as they step off the train. Sirius grins and waves before forcing himself to scan the crowds, looking for the familiar figures that are his parents. He doesn’t see them and lets out a quiet sigh of relief as James pulls him towards his parents. When they are just a few feet away James lets go of Sirius and flings himself at his parents. James releases them and just as Sirius is about to step forward to get his own hugs, someone clears their throat behind him. He freezes mid-step before turning around, he glances quickly at his parents before dropping his gaze. 

“Hello.” Mrs. Potter greets the Blacks cheerfully. They gaze at her in disdain. 

“Come Sirius.” Walburga barks. She turns and walks away without waiting to see if Sirius will follow. She knows he will. He keeps his head down as he trails after his parents, not even sparing a glance at the Potters.

“Sirius?” James whispers as he walks past. Sirius gives him the tiniest shake of his head and continues on.

“Sirius?” He passes by Remus, he freezes for a second before hurrying along, hoping his parents hadn’t noticed. They did.

Sirius looks at Remus with fearful eyes, trying to silently tell him to leave but Remus isn’t reading his signals. 

“And who are you?” Orion asks, disgust clear in his voice.

Remus shoots a look at Sirius, who stares back wide-eyed. “I’m Remus, I’m friends with your son.”

“Remus Lupin?” Walburga asks, her voice low and dangerous.

“Yes.” 

Walburga turns to Sirius, her eyes flashing, “You never mentioned him.”

Sirius drops his gaze, shaking slightly.

“Sirius? Are you alright?” Remus asks quietly.

Sirius closes his eyes as his mother turns on Remus with a snarl, “Don’t you talk to our son you filthy half-blood. We will not have you tainting him.”  She spins back around, grabbing Sirius’ robes and pushing him ahead of her.

His father shrinks his trunk down and stuffs it in a pocket, in too much of a hurry to make Sirius deal with it.

***

“Sirius. Come down for dinner.”

Sirius grimaces as he pushes himself off his bed. His back protests, and Sirius has to muffle a groan, blinking back tears as he put his robes on. He walks slowly down the stairs, each step sending pain radiating through his back.

He sinks gingerly into his chair when he reaches the dining room, intent on not flinching as he sits down. He sits silently, eyes on his empty plate as he waits. He listens as his family eats around him. His stomach growls half way through the meal and Sirius just barely stops himself from flinching. His family ignores him and continues eating. Finally once they finish, his mother speaks to him.

“Eat.” It was only after his family had left the room that Sirius looked up from his plate. His heart sinks, there is only a small amount of food left, barely enough to cover half his plate when he spreads it out. He eats quickly, wanting to get back to the safety of his room.

The week passes slowly in a blur of pain and hunger.

***

“Are you alright, Sirius? You look exhausted.” James asks quietly as they met on the train.

“Fine. How was your break?”

“Sirius, you can talk to me you know. I could help.”

Sirius shrugs, looking out the window, watching as students say goodbye to their families. He spots Peter through the crowd saying goodbye to his parents, and then a glimpse of Remus heading for the train. He tenses, not ready to face him, not ready for whatever might happen because of the exchange with his parents. He stares determinedly out the window as Remus enters the compartment, sitting down beside Sirius, then Peter enters a few minutes later, and shortly after that the train starts to move. 

He listens to his friends talk letting the comforting noises wash over and relax him, his gaze still fixed out the window. 

Next thing he knows he is being shaken awake. He sits up sharply, hitting his head. He hears a soft cry of “ow” as he takes in his surroundings again. Oh, right, on the train.

“If you’re done beating up Remus, we’re at Hogwarts.” Sirius can hear James’ smirk.

Sirius looks up to see Remus standing over him, one hand held to his head.

“Sorry?” Sirius says sheepishly.

Remus groans, pushing Sirius back into the window he had been using as a pillow.

Sirius grins to cover the grimace, jumping out of his seat and following the rest of the boys out of the compartment.

***

“I can’t wait to get out of here!” Peter groans into his textbook. Peter and Remus are studying, James has a textbook open in front of him but is just watching everybody else, while Sirius lays stretched out on the floor by their feet, eyes closed. He could stay here forever.

Too soon for Sirius, exams are over and summer has begun, meaning he is on the train back to London, back to his family for a solid two months.

***

  
  



	3. Second Year

Sirius is one of the first people on the train, he and his parents wanting to be rid of eachother as soon as possible. He sits on the train, impatiently staring out the window watching for his friends.

“Sirius!”

He whirls around, and throws himself at Peter, biting back a whimper. Summer had been worse than Easter and even Peter, who he still wasn’t sure he liked, was a comfort. He is happy to spend ten months away from his family and he already has a plan in place for the holidays.

“I didn’t see you come in! I’ve been watching the entrance all day.” Sirius mumbles into his shoulder.

“I came in amongst a group of people, you must have missed me. How was your summer?” Peter asks stepping back. 

Sirius shrugs, instantly regretting it as the movement pulls on old scabs, “How was yours?”

Peter grins, “Why don’t we wait till the others get here? I don’t want to tell it twice.”

Sirius heaves a dramatic sigh, before he starts eagerly watching out the window again.

“Pete! Sirius!”

Sirius whirls around again, launching himself at James. James laughs, stumbling into the compartment while Sirius held on tightly. He buries his face in James’ neck for a moment before opening his eyes to meet Remus’ as he enters the compartment. Sirius releases James and throws himself at the other boy.

“I missed you, Re,” Sirius mumbles into his neck.

Remus returns his hug tightly, and Sirius silently accepts the pain that is given unintentionally and with affection, “Missed you too, Siri.”

“Siri? Have you been sick?”

“Hmm?”

“You’re really skinny, Siri. Are you okay?” James asks, worried.

“Oh that. Yeah I’m fine, Kreacher’s just a  _ horrible  _ cook you know. Can’t wait to get back to Hogwarts, those elves know how to cook. We should get them a gift. What do house elves like? We’ll have to think about it. We can’t get them clothes of course, plus they’d be insulted. What else is there? Most of them don’t have hair so we can’t give them Fleamont’s potions. Ideas?”

Remus raises his eyebrows, “They’d love you forever just for complimenting their cooking. I’m pretty sure all of them already love you for the amount of times you go down and get snacks.”

“True, true. But is it  _ enough?” _ Sirius grins as that starts a discussion about the best gift for a house elf, successfully distracted.

 

That night they fall asleep all curled up on one bed in a mess of limbs and blankets. It is the best sleep Sirius has had since June. 

***

“You like Black don’t you?” Lily teases.

“Of course I like  _ Sirius _ . He’s one of my best mates.” Remus blinks at her as she stares.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“You have a crush on him.”

“No. I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.”

Remus rolls his eyes, but doesn’t argue again.

“See! I’m right aren’t I?”

“You aren’t going to change your mind no matter what I say so I’m not going to waste my breath.”

“You’re no fun.”

Remus sighs, looking up at his friend, “Where did this even come from? I’d think you’d be devastated if I did have a crush on Sirius.”

“I would, but at least it would make sense then. I’ll admit he’s fit, at least if it was a crush I could understand why you spend time with him.”

“I don’t understand why you hate him so much.”

“He’s arrogant! Him and Potter both! I don’t know how you can do it, Rem. I mean they’re always getting into trouble, goofing off. I just -ugh!”

Remus smiles slightly, “What’s wrong with a little bit of trouble?”

Lily levels him with a look, “Don’t start with me Rem, you never break any rules unless those two are involved.”

“No, I just don’t get caught unless those two are involved.”

Lily rolls her eyes, “Sure, Rem. How did you even become friend with them?”

“They adopted me,” Remus says cheerfully, “James and Siri hit it off right away of course, but even so James defended me, unnecessarily, against Sirius when he thought he was going to be a prat to me about being a half-blood-”

Lily scoffs, “Some friend.”

“You want to go there, Lils?” 

Lily avoids his gaze.

“Sirius was the first to approach me on the train, tons of other people looked into my compartment and walked away again, but Siri didn’t. Came right in and made himself at home.”

“See? Arrogant!”

“He was being  _ friendly, _ Lily.”

Lily snorts, “Sure, just trying to find someone to follow his orders.”

Remus raises an eyebrow, face impassive, “Is that what you think of me?”

Lily blushes looking down into her lap and fiddling with her hands, when she looks up again Remus is still giving her the same look. She sighs, “Of course not. I’m sorry, Rem. I just don’t get it.”

“Have you even tried?”

Lily looks at her hands again, “No. But I-”

“Should we talk about  _ your _ friends, Lily?”

Lily sighs, shaking her head slightly, “What would you have me do, Rem?”

“Try, Lily. Hey, Siri.”

“Discussing how much Evans hates me?” Sirius asks as he walks up to them, he glances between Lily and Remus before sitting on the couch arm beside his friend.

“Yes.” Lily says glaring at him, “So go away.”

Sirius ignores her, “Hey, Re, James and I need your help with something, you busy?”

“ _ Yes, _ Black. He is.”

“ _ Sirius.” _ Remus says, “In the dorms?” Remus continues when Sirius nods, “yeah I’ll be up in a minute.”

Sirius ruffles Remus’ hair as he hops of the couch arm and walks towards the staircase to the dorms.

“Later, Black.”

“ _ Sirius _ , Lily. Call him  _ Sirius. _ Or prat or anything. Anything else besides Black.”

“Why? He calls me Evans all the time.”

Remus sighs standing up, “Do me a favour and look up the Black family, especially recently.” He waves over his shoulder as he heads towards the dorms and whatever prank his friends are planning. 

***

“Sirius, what are you doing?”

“Hmm?” Sirius hums, not looking up from where he is stuffing some of his clothing into James’ trunk.

“I thought you were going home for the holidays?”

“I am.”

“Then why are you putting your things in  _ my _ trunk?”

Sirius looks over his shoulder, grinning at James. “You’ll see.”

James groans and flops onto his bed, watching Sirius stuff a few more things into his trunk.

“Sirius, what are you doing? I thought you said you couldn’t stay with James for the holidays?” Peter asks as he walks into the dorm, Remus right behind him.

Sirius shrugs, but doesn’t answer and the boys turn to look at James.

“I don’t know either, he won’t tell me anything.”

“Sirius, your trunk is mostly empty, aren’t you taking anything home with you?” Remus asks as he ruffles through the few random items left in Sirius’ trunk.

“I’m not taking it with me, I have enough clothes at home to get by for the holidays, there’s nothing else I need.”

“We have homework, Sirius.” Peter reminds him.

“I already finished it all!” Sirius says triumphantly, pointing to a pile of scrolls on his bed.

The three boys go to investigate, opening each of the scrolls and reading through them.

“When did you have time to do this?”

“Last night.”

“Did you sleep at all?” Remus asks.

“I’ll sleep when I get home!”

“Liar. You always look exhausted when you get back.”

“It’s different this time.” Sirius smiles, closing James’ trunk. 

The other boys looked at him skeptically, “Solemnly swear.” Sirius promises, turning their skepticism into confusion, but they let it go.

“Hey, have you seen my blue jumper?” Sirius asks looking under his bed, and rifling through the few items left in his trunk.

“It’s on your bed, Siri.”

“No it’s n- Remus!”

“Yes, Sirius?”

“Stop stealing my jumpers or I’ll start stealing your chocolate.”

“You. Wouldn’t. Dare.” Remus says narrowing his eyes threateningly.

Sirius frowns at him but lets it go. For now. He would find a way to get that chocolate.

***

“Are you going to be okay, Sirius?” James asks quietly as they exit their train compartment, “You seem oddly happy to be going home.”

Sirius grins, “Don’t worry about me, James. I’ll be with family soon.”

“Siri-”

“Sirius!” 

Sirius turns at the sound of his mother’s voice. He puts his head down as she comes closer.

“Where are your things? And what did I tell you about talking to the Potter boy? Well at least it isn’t the half-blood. Let’s go.”

Sirius clenches his jaw and trails after her.

***

It’s the middle of the night when Sirius creeps down the stairs, his family has all been asleep for hours. He quickly and quietly makes his way over to the fireplace. Sirius reaches into the small pot sitting beside the fireplace and grabs a handful of the floo powder. He throws the powder into the fire that the house elves keep lit all night to ensure the sitting room wasn’t cold in the mornings when his parents had their tea. The fire flares up, turning green as Sirius whispers, “Potter Manor.” and steps into the flames.

It’s quiet as he stumbles out of the Potter’s fireplace into their sitting room. He holds his breath to see if his entrance has woken anybody and then silently makes his way upstairs to James’ room. He smiles as he opens the door to find James fast asleep. Sirius carefully climbs into his bed, slipping under the blankets he falls asleep quickly, smile on his face.

***

James screams, jerking Sirius awake and causing him to fall off of the bed in his haste to get away from the noise. James peeks over the edge of the bed and stares at Sirius. Sirius glares back. 

Mr. and Mrs. Potter burst into the room, wands raised, “What’s going on?” Mr. Potter asks, looking around wildly. 

“Sirius is here.” James says.

“What?”

“Hello.” Sirius pops his head up to look at the Potters over the side of the bed, forcing James to move back. 

“When did you get here? How did you get here?”

“I came in the Floo.”

Mrs. Potter rolls her eyes, tucking her wand into her hair, “Well I guess since we’re all awake, we may as well have breakfast. I expect you boys downstairs in five minutes to help.”

“Yes, Mum.”

“Yes, Mrs. Potter.”

“What are you doing here, Siri?” James asks as soon as his parents leave the room.

Sirius shrugs, “I wasn’t going to stay at my parents’ place. I told you you wouldn’t have to worry about me this Christmas. 

“Sirius,” James sighs.

Sirius’ eyes widen, “Your parents aren’t going to make me go home are they? James, please, you gotta talk to them!”

“Shh, Sirius, you’re fine. They won’t make you go home, my parents love you, you know that.”

“What if my parents come to get me?”

James tilts his head and stares at Sirius, “You really think your parents are going to willingly step into a Potter house?”

Sirius shakes his head, “What if they send someone else to come get me?”

“And tell someone that they can’t control their child?” James shakes his head, “I think you’re good, Sirius, your parents aren’t going to want anybody to know that you’re here.”

“Right, okay,” Sirius breathes out.

“That’s a lot of worries for someone who solemnly swore they were going to be fine.”

Sirius shakes his head frantically, “No, no. I didn’t lie. I was sure. I was one hundred percent sure. Promise. I just… I just panicked. I had thought of all these things before. Really. It wasn’t an empty promise. It was a solemnly swear. I just panicked!”

“Okay, okay, I believe you.” James laughs quietly, hands held up in surrender.

“James! Sirius!” Mrs. Potter yells.

“Crap! We better go!” James jumps off his bed, heading quickly for the door, Sirius scrambles over the bed to follow. He stops James with a hand on his arm before he leaves the room.

“James?”

“Yeah, Siri?”

“Thank you.”

James smiles.

“James! Sirius!” Mrs. Potter yells again, “Don’t make me come up there!”

James jumps, turning away he sprints down the stairs and to the kitchen, Sirius grinning as he follows on his heels.

***

“Is that my jumper?” Sirius asks staring at Remus, who’s reading on his bed.

He looks down at himself, “Yes. I’m borrowing it.”

“Oh okay,” Sirius looks away before glancing back sharply, “Wait! I haven’t seen it since last year! I looked for that! Have you had it the whole time?” 

Remus puts on an innocent face, “I might’ve. I forgot to give it back.”

Sirius sighs, “Can I have it back now?”

“I’m cold.” Remus curls up further, wrapping his arms around himself.

Sirius pouts as James laughs. 

“I don’t suppose you know where any of my other jumpers are?”

Remus shrugs innocently.

“I get cold too you know.”

“Do you wanna cuddle?” Remus asks, lifting an arm as an invitation for Sirius to curl up under it.

Sirius huffs, “What if I was going to study in the library? How would I stay warm in the library if I don’t have a jumper?”

Remus looks up from his book, “Does this mean you don’t want to cuddle?” Remus drops his arm.

Sirius huffs again, looking over a James who is trying not to laugh,”No.” Sirius mumbles, he makes his way over to Remus’ bed and crawls on, lifting Remus’ arm and wrapping it around his shoulders as he snuggles into his side.

James loses his composure, falling over on his side, arms wrapped over his stomach as he struggles to breathe while laughing.

“This still doesn’t solve my jumper shortage.”

“Nothing I can do about that.” Remus says, attention returning to his book as Sirius fights to pull the blanket over them both.

“You could leave me at least one.”

“But who would cuddle with me, if you were always warm?”

Sirius frowns, turning his head into Remus so that him and James can’t see his face as he says, “I would still cuddle you if I was warm.”

“Ah, but then what excuse would we use?”

“Do we need an excuse?” is mumbled into Remus’ chest in response.

“You are adorable, Siri.” James gasps as he tries to regain his breath.

***

“Mcgonagall?” Sirius asks, walking into her office.

“Oh, yes, please do come in.”

Sirius grins, “Thanks!”

She sighs and raises her wand, shutting and locking the door Sirius had walked through. “What can I do for you, Sirius?”

Sirius makes himself comfortable in the chair in front of her desk, “My parents think I’m gay.”

“Okay.”

“Okay? That’s not helpful! You’re supposed to comfort me, tell me I’m not!”

Mcgonagall looks at him calmly over her desk, “Well I really have no way of knowing, Sirius, nobody can know that except for you.” She pauses, “Would it be a comfort to you to know that you’re not gay?”

“I don’t know,” he mumbles, he pulls his feet up onto the chair and rests his chin on his knees, “Am I supposed to know already?”

“There’s no time limit Sirius, you don’t have to worry about it right now if you don’t want to. What brought this on?”

“The boys are always talking about cute girls and the girls are always talking about cute boys, and I’ve heard my name mentioned a few times and I don’t know what to think. Why does everybody else have it figured out already?”

“It’s easier,” Mcgonagall says calmly, and a little sadly, “for the boys to talk about girls, and for the girls to talk about boys. I wouldn’t worry about it, Sirius, you’ll figure it out when you’re ready.”

Sirius sighs and stares at a spot on her desk, they sit in silence for a few minutes before Sirius jumps up out of his chair startling Mcgonagall, “Thanks Minerva!” He calls as he runs to the door, trying to get out but finding it locked. He turns back with a sigh.

“You think we’re on a first name basis?”

Sirius grins, “You’ve been calling me by my first name almost from the moment we met, Minerva.”

Mcgonagall presses her lips together and sighs, waving her wand and letting Sirius out. She closes the door after him and lets herself smile. 

***

Sirius steps off the train desperately scanning the crowd for his parents. He doesn’t see them and so he follows James to find the Potters searching the crowd the whole way. He greets Fleamont and Euphemia with hugs after James, and then goes straight back to searching the crowd, he won’t be snuck up on this time. He catches Remus’ eye and waves happily before turning to follow the Potters off of the Platform. They reach the apparition point and are moments away from apparating when Sirius sees his parents. He grins and waves causing his parents to frown as Sirius disappears alongside Fleamont. 

“Oh, man. That was great!” Sirius crows as they land in the Potters’ entrance way.

“What was?”

Sirius laughs, “My parents were  _ there _ . You should have seen their faces, Jamie! That was amazing! Fleamont may I just say you have excellent timing!”

The three Potters grin at his excitement, though the older two also exchange a worried glance.

“C’mon, Jamie!” Sirius pulls James away from his parents and up the stairs to his bedroom where Sirius immediately flops onto the bed, “This is going to be the best Easter ever!”

***

Sirius stares at the stars from where he lay in the Potter’s backyard, James on one side of him and Peter on the other side of James. 

“What do you think of werewolves?” Sirius asks, his gaze fixed on his star. Out of the corner of his eyes he sees James turn his head towards him.

“Terrifying.” Peter says.

“During the full moon but otherwise normal people.” James amends.

“What do you think goes through their heads when they shift?”

“We wouldn’t know, Sirius, what brought this on?”

“Hmm? Oh I was just looking at the stars but it’s kind of difficult when the moon is full and then I just started thinking about who else the full moon inconvenienced you know?”

“Mhmm right. I totally believe you.”

“Did you only start hating it because of Remus?”

“What?”

Peter rolls his eyes, “In first year you said once that you couldn’t wait for the full moon and Remus said he wished it would never come and you’ve hated it almost ever since.”

“Oh, yeah, well I can see his point. I mean look,” Sirius lifts an arm and gestures at the sky, “You can barely see any stars, it’s horrible.”

“I hate it too,” James whispers quietly.

“Well I love it, and you three won’t convince me otherwise!” Peter huffs.

***

“I hate the full moon!” Peter yells as he walks into the Potter house a month after they spoke about werewolves in the grass.

James walks into the sitting room just past the entrance way, eyebrows raised, Sirius following behind.

“Are your parents home?” Peter asks, looking around as if they’d pop out from behind the couch.

“No, why? What’s going on?”

“He’s a werewolf isn’t he? That’s why you all hate the full moon. That’s what we were actually talking about last month. During the full moon when Remus couldn’t make it because he was sick, again. Wait but if you knew why’d you plan it for that night?”

“You planned it.”

“But why’d you let me? Why didn’t we change the date when Remus said he was sick?”

“You didn’t want to.” Sirius says from where he is laying on the couch.

“I’m a bad friend aren’t I?”

“Yes.”

James frowns at Sirius, “No, Peter. You didn’t realize, it’s not your fault.”

“Now that we all know, we should tell him.”

“No! No. Nope. I’m not being a part of that.” Peter says.

“Shouldn’t we let him tell us himself?” James asks.

“He’ll never tell us, he’s stressing himself out trying to come up with lies every month and it’s only been two years.”

“Exactly it’s only been two years, we should give him more time.”

“You do whatever, I’m telling him I know. I don’t want to make him stress about losing friends over it.”

James sighs, “You’re right. I wish you weren’t but, you are. Pete?”

“No. No, I think this is a terrible idea.”

Sirius shrugs, “I’m telling him with or without you. I don’t really care what you do.”

“When?”

“About a week after the September full moon I think. So that it doesn’t add to his stress right before or after the full moon.”

“Okay.” James agrees.

  
  



	4. Third Year

“So, Remus, James and I have been talking-”

“That’s good, Siri, didn’t know you two were fighting though.” Remus replies absently, reading his book.

“ _ -and”  _ Sirius says, ignoring the interruption, “we think we know what you’re suffering from.”

“Having you two as my friends? I’m glad you finally figured it out.”

Peter giggles before adding, “I think I also know what you’re suffering from. We all figured it out, I just wasn’t a part of  _ this  _ discussion because I think it’s a bad idea.”

Remus glances up at that to see his three friends watching intently, he gently closes his book, “Okay?”

“So we-we know-” Sirius starts.

“We  _ know _ -” James interrupts, “about your furry little problem.”

Sirius glares at James. 

“My what?”

“That you’re a werewolf, Re.”

Remus freezes, eyes widening. Then he quickly scrambles to get out of bed, delayed by the blankets he had wrapped himself in.

“Woah, woah, Remus. Re. Slow down. What’re you doing?” Sirius asks softly, moving slowly closer to where Remus was struggling. “Talk to me, Re.”

“Please- please don’t- don’t tell anyone. Please. I just- I want-”

“Remus, hey. It’s okay. You’re okay. We aren’t telling anyone. Promise.”

“Then why-  _ why _ -”

“We just wanted to let you know that we know. You don’t have to hide it from us anymore.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please. _ Please. _ ”

“Remus.” Sirius moves closer, helping Remus get out of the tangled blankets, “Remus, you’re okay. We aren’t going to hurt you. Look at me. Remus, look at me.”

Remus looks up, face streaked with tears.

“We’re your friends, Remus, we’re not going to hurt you. We’re not going to tell anyone. We want you here, with us. Solemnly swear.”

Remus throws himself at Sirius who catches him in a hug. James and Peter join them, and they hold Remus until he stops shaking and crying. Sirius pulls back slightly, “Are you okay, Re?” he speaks softly, so as not to startle Remus.

Remus nods, leaning into Sirius, hiding his face in his neck.

***

“Hey, Evans.”

“What do you want, Black?”

“ _ Sirius _ .”

“It’s fine Re. Evans did you finish the potions homework?”

“What?”

“Potions homework? I think I figured it out but I’m not sure and Remus has a question.”

“Why would I help you?”

Sirius sighs, “You’re not helping me, Evans. You’d be helping Remus. I thought you two were friends.”

“Fine.”

Sirius’ eyes narrow at the word but he nods, “Thank you.” He gets off his chair, opting to lay on the floor by Remus’ feet instead.

Lily sits in his vacated chair, “What was your question, Rem?”

Sirius closes his eyes, attention only partly on the conversation, as he drifts off. Not quite sleeping but not fully aware of his surroundings.

He startles into awareness when Remus nudges him with a foot, “I’m going to have a nap, Siri, you staying here?”

“Bye, Rem.” Lily stands up.

“Bye, Lily, thanks.” Remus glances at her and waves a little.

Sirius frowns at Lily as she walks away. He turns back to Remus, “Why are you taking a nap?”

“I need to get rest while I can, since I won’t be sleeping much tomorrow.”

“There’s two days until the full moon though.” Sirius whispers. 

“What’s the full moon got to do with sleeping?” Marlene asks walking up behind Remus.

Remus stares at her wide eyed, face pale. Sirius sighs dramatically as he sits up facing Marlene, “It’s my fault really. I cursed James last year and now he snores,  _ really loudly _ , every full moon. Remus can’t get a wink of sleep, and he also spends the whole night before the full moon worrying about how much sleep he isn’t going to get the next night, it’s a vicious cycle for him really.”

Marlene frowns, “I never hear anything.”

“Remus is really good at silencing spells, casts one around the bed and it’s good to go.”

“If he casts one around the bed why is Remus kept awake?”

Sirius bites his lip looking at Remus, he glances at Marlene and then away again. He locks eyes with Remus, “I’m sorry, Re.”

“What? Sirius, no!”

“What’s going on?” James asks walking up behind Sirius.

Marlene looks at him, “Sirius was just telling me why Remus never gets any sleep on the full moon.” she smirks, “Come on, Sirius, out with it.”

Sirius looks down at his lap and fiddles with his hands, “Okay so. Okay, they didn’t want anybody to know. So the curse also makes James really cuddly, but he  _ only _ wants to cuddle with Remus. We try to send him to his own bed but he just sleep walks over to Remus no matter what we do. And of course, Remus, being such a good friend casts the silencing charm around his own bed, so Pete and I can sleep. Why he doesn’t just shove James onto the floor I’ll never know.”

Marlene’s gaze jumps between the three boys, “I didn’t think you could cast that complicated of a spell, Sirius, You never do any of your school work, I’m surprised you’re passing at all.”

Sirius frowns avoiding Marlene’s glance.

“Unless of course, you want to tell me the truth, Remus?”

“That is the truth.” James cuts in, glaring, before Remus can say anything. “Please don’t tell anyone. We don’t want Sirius to get in trouble. It’s harmless really!”

“I think Remus would disagree.” Marlene says walking away with a huff.

***

Sirius is lying curled up beside Remus on his bed as Remus studies. Sirius is supposed to be studying too but can’t be bothered. 

“Chocolate!” Sirius cries, reaching across Remus for the pile he had just levitated onto his bed. 

Remus slaps his hand away, “ _ My _ chocolate.”

Sirius gasps, hand to his chest, “You won’t even share with  _ me? _ But I’m your best friend, Re! I give you my jumpers!”

Remus shakes his head, “You don’t give them to me, I take them.”

Sirius frowns, “Then you can repay me in chocolate for all the jumpers you’ve  _ stolen _ ?”

“Nope.” Remus says with a grin, sending a stinging hex at Sirius when he reaches for the chocolate anyway. Sirius pouts, burrowing into Remus’ side. He promises himself he’ll find a way. Remus starts petting his head and Sirius struggles not to let on that he enjoys it. Remus runs his fingers through his hair, gently undoing the tangles and Sirius loses the struggle and sighs contently. Maybe the chocolate isn’t important.

***

“Hey, Rem! Potter! Is it true what Marlene told me?”

“Depends what she told you,” James says narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

“That you two cuddle every full moon while James has thunder snores because Sirius cursed you?”

“Oh. That.” James says, scratching at the back of his head, “No?” he says weakly.

Lily snorts, “See, Rem? I just don’t see how you can be friends with them! Black curses his friend and then  _ you  _ have to suffer for it. It’s ridiculous. And then James subjects you to his snoring. I’m sure he could find another way if he tried.”

“Hey! He was trying to help. I used to get super restless on the full moon, always pacing, not able to sleep. He didn’t realize there were side effects.”

“Some help,” Lily scoffs, “Did he even read up on it, or just use the first one he found?”

“Enough, Lily.” Remus sighs, “I’m sure you weren’t casting every spell perfectly last year, or even this year, or next year. Give Sirius a break. It was a complicated spell, it’s amazing he was able to do it at all.”

Lily rolls her eyes, “Didn’t think to talk to a professor did you? Oh no, Sirius Black always has to do things his way. Hurting anybody that gets in the way. He’s so  _ entitled.” _

James gapes at her, Remus glares, “Been talking to Snape again have you?”

“So what if I have. He’s my friend.”

“He also hates Sirius.”

“So do I.”

James’ expression closes down, “I also thought you were friends with Remus, but it seems every time you talk to him you’re insulting his choices.”

Lily glares, “I do not.”

“You do.” Remus says quietly, pulling James after him as he walks away.

“I just don’t get her!” James whispers furiously once they’re out of earshot, “She believes everything Snape says about me and Siri, completely ignoring anything you, or Marlene, or Mary say!”

Remus sighs, “I don’t know, James.”

***

“Hey, Remus, could you help me with the transfiguration homework?” Lily asks, walking up to where Sirius and Remus are cuddling on the couch, James sitting in the nearby lounge chair.

Remus blinks at her, “I’m shite at transfiguration. Sirius or James could help you though.”

Lily stares at him for a moment before slowing turning to James.

“No.” He snaps before she has a chance to speak. He crosses his arms and refuses to look at her.

Lily turns to Sirius, “Black?”

“What did you need help with?”

“Some theory questions, it’s quite alright if you can’t help me. I’m sure I could find somebody else.”

“Why bother asking then?” James interrupts before Sirius has a chance to say anything.

“It’s fine, James. Do you want my help, Evans?” Sirius sits up moving away from Remus.

Lily nods tersely, spinning on her heal and walking back to the table she was working at. Sirius follows after her, James and Remus staring after him.

Sirius answers each of her questions calmly, explaining things so she is able to grasp them quickly. He sits with her for an hour before wandering back to his friends, “Bed?” they nod and follow him up to the dorms. 

James scratches at his arm disappearing into the bathroom as soon as they get into their room. Sirius and Remus flop down together on Sirius’ bed, waiting for him to come out.

“My soulmark changed.” James announces walking back into the room, Sirius and Remus look up in surprise.

“Doesn’t it do that a lot? You only have the changing mark don’t you? Or did you get a name?”

“No. No name yet.”

“So what’s the big deal? Why the big announcement?”

Instead of answering James pulls up his sleeve and shows the mark to his friends,  _ Perfect James Potter, too good to help me with homework. Probably didn’t even know the answers anyway. Would’ve been better than Black though. _

They read it before turning to look at James, “Lily? How could it be Lily? She hates me! And I’m not overly fond of her either.”

***

“We have to find a way to help him.” Sirius whispers furiously over breakfast one morning after the full moon. James and Peter look up from their plates.

“What do you want us to do, Siri?” James asks quietly.

“I don’t know! Something! There’s got to be something.” his voice breaks on the last word in his desperation.

“Help who with what?” Marlene asks as she sits down beside Sirius.

“Nobody. Nothing.” Sirius mumbles, stabbing at his toast with the knife he was using to spread jam on it.

“Where’s Remus?”

“Sick.” Peter answers.

Marlene rolls her eyes, “He’s always sick. Is that what you were discussing? What does he need help with?”

“It’s a secret.”

“What’s a secret? Where’s Remus?” Lily asks as she sits down next to Peter.

“There’s no secret,” James says hurriedly, “and he’s sick again.”

“There is too a secret.” Marlene argues.

“It’s nothing!” James says, voice high, he clears his throat, “Remus just needs a little help with something. It’s fine really. We got it under control. Nothing to worry about.”

Sirius glares at James, James shrugs helplessly.

“Are you sure? We could help. Merlin knows Remus could use some friends with brains.” Lily sneers.

“Hey!” James exclaims.

“Well come on then, what is it? We’ll find out.” Marlene threatens, glancing between Sirius and James. 

Lily turns her attention to Peter, “Hey, Pete, you know what’s going on, don’t you? You’ll tell us, right? We just want what’s best for Remus.”

Peter squeaks as Marlene also turns her attention to him.

“Come on, Pete. Tell us.” Marlene pleads.

“It’s nothing really,” Peter mumbles, “Just- just a furry little problem. Nothing to worry about.”

“Furry little problem? What like a pet?”

“Yes! Yes, that’s it exactly!” James cuts in excitedly, “He didn’t want us to tell anybody, it’s not a cat you see, but since you’ve guessed it, mostly at least, I suppose we can tell you. Just promise not to mention it to him, he’s very secretive about it you know.”

Lily rolls her eyes, “So what’s the problem?”

“Problem?” Peter asks.

It was Marlene’s turn to roll her eyes, “That’s what started this right? Remus is having a problem with his pet, whatever it is, and you three thought you could come up with a solution.”

Sirius pipes up, “He’s slightly aggressive towards people, this pet, lonely I’d say.”

“Why not get him a friend?”

“Yes, thanks, but  _ what _ ?”

“Another of it’s kind?”

Sirius narrows his eyes, “And if that’s not possible?”

Lily raises her eyebrows, “Right… well what about something cuddly then, you said it was lonely? Get it a non-human to cuddle with. A cat or something.”

“Did you forget the slightly aggressive part? What if he doesn’t want to cuddle?”

“Then something that’ll play with him.” Lily throws her hands up in exasperation, standing to leave, “I’m done with this. If you don’t want my help just say so.”

“We did,” Sirius mutters as she walks away, she turns around to glare at him before hurrying away. Sirius turns to Marlene, “What’ve you got?”

Marlene rolls her eyes, standing, “Get him something sturdy that can play or cuddle, a large friendly dog or something. I don’t know. It’s hard when we don’t even know what the animal is. Good luck.” She calls the last words over her shoulder as she walks after Lily.

Sirius turns to Peter and James, a glimmer in his eye. 

“Siri, we  _ can’t _ .”

“Why  _ not? _ ”

James looks around the great hall before standing and pulling Sirius after him. He waves at Peter to follow as he drags Sirius out of the hall and to a deserted classroom.

“ _ Sirius _ , we don’t know how Remus would react to a companion. What if he killed it? Remus would never forgive us, or  _ himself _ , if he killed a cat or dog or whatever it is you want to give him.”

“I want to give him  _ us!” _

Peter gapes at Sirius, “Did you forget the part about him not liking humans? Or not forgiving us if we let him kill an animal, nevermind  _ us! _ He’d also kill us if we let ourselves be turned if that’s what you’re suggesting.”

“No. Of course not! I’m suggesting that we become the animals! Animagus!”

James and Peter exchange a look, Peter spoke, “Would that even work?”

“I don’t know!” Sirius grins, “But it’s an idea! We can figure it out!”

“Okay and say it would work. It’s advanced magic, Sirius. And illegal while we’re underage.”

Sirius turns to James, “We’re smart, Jamie. We can do this. For Remus. And besides, what’s the law between friends?”

James snorts a laugh, “Okay. Okay, Siri, let’s research it.” Sirius lets out a whoop, “But first,” James speaks over his celebrating, “we have to get to class because we won’t survive to research if we don’t get Rem good notes.”

“Right! Let’s go!” Sirius calls, giant grin on his face as he rushes out of the classroom.

***

“What are you boys up to?” Mrs. Potter asks, coming to a stop in James’ bedroom doorway.

“Just a little bit of studying.” Sirius says cheerfully with a quick glance over before returning his attention to his book.

“Studying?” she asks skeptically.

“Yup!” Sirius says popping the ‘p’. 

“Mhmm, well don’t get into any trouble.” she says as she turns to leave.

“Us? Never!” James calls after her with a grin. “Okay, c’mon, Siri, we have to do something else, you’re obsessed.”

“We need to figure this out, James! There’s a lot to do, a lot we need to coordinate, the sooner we get it figured out the sooner we can help Re!”

“I want to help him just as much as you do, Siri, but we can’t work at it non-stop, and I know you’ve been trying. You’ve barely done anything else since we got out of school two weeks ago. Why don’t we owl Remus and Peter? The full moon was last night, we could take Re some chocolate and company.”

“What?” Sirius exclaimed jerking his head up, he stared wide-eyed at James for a second before jerking to look wildly around the room as if it would reveal the moon phase. “I forgot. How did I forget?”

“Don’t beat yourself up, you’ve been obsessed with the animagus thing,  _ this _ is why you need a break. C’mon, you also need food.” He pulls Sirius to his feet and pushes him out of the room. Dragging him first to find the family owl and then to the kitchen.

  
  



	5. Fourth Year

Sirius walks onto the train making his way to their compartment. He laughs, talks, and smiles when it is expected of him as people talk to him, but he is empty, hollow. He stops in the doorway, blinking, letting his smile fade. Remus is the only one there and Sirius throws himself onto the bench, head in Remus’ lap before he even has a chance to look up. Remus jumps at the intrusion, takes one look at Sirius and raises his wand closing and locking the door with a spell of Sirius’ invention that only James knew how to unlock, besides the two already inside.

“Sirius, what’s wrong?” 

“My family disowned me. My mother burned me off the Black Family Tree.”

“Oh.” Remus said softly.

“That’s it?” Sirius asked indignantly, or as much as he could with his face voice muffled by Remus’ jumper.

“I don’t know what you want from me, Siri, you disowned your family years ago. I didn’t realize you’d gone back.”

Sirius sighs, “Yeah, you’re right, but it still hurts.”

“Why did you go back?” Remus asks as the door clicks and swings open letting James and Peter in. James locks it quickly behind them at the sight of Sirius.

“I wanted to grab a few things, talk to Reg.”

“And how’s Reg?” James asks as he sits down across from Remus.

“Horrible. He believes all that blood purity bullshit! Believes in everything his parents do.”

“I’m sorry, Siri.” Remus murmurs, running his fingers through Sirius’ hair.

“What happened?” Peter asks quietly, directing the question at Remus.

Sirius answers voice hollow, “I have been officially disowned, burned off the family tree. Reg has abandoned me and sided with my parents.”

“What caused it? You haven’t gotten along with your parents since you started at Hogwarts”

“Since I was five you mean and got my soulmark.” Sirius spits, “Yes well, I was trying to convince Reg that they were wrong and I guess that was the last straw on top of the gay, half-blood loving, Potter and Lupin befriending pile. Sorry, Pete, you don’t make the list as a shameful act of the Black family”

“You’re gay?” Peter gasps, James shoots him a look, “Sorry, sorry, that sounded bad, I just, why didn’t you tell us?”

Sirius barks a laugh, “Well I don’t know that I am actually, but my soulmate is a bloke so my parents think I am. Guess they didn’t know about the platonic soulmate possibility. Not that it’d’ve mattered since he’s still a half-blood.

Peter asks, “Do you know them?”

“I don’t want to talk about my soulmark. James, do you think your parents will let me live with you?” Sirius asks, sitting up and regretfully moving away from Remus’ hand in his hair, though he doesn’t go far, instead opting to lean with his head pillowed on Remus’ shoulder.

“Yeah, mate, of course they’ll let you stay! You’ve basically been living with us since second year anyway.”

Sirius grins, relaxing into Remus for a moment before sitting up suddenly, surprising everyone, “You’ll never guess what I did while I was home though!”

“Something wonderful?” James asks excitedly.

Sirius’ grin widens, “I used the permanent sticking charm and put up posters of muggles in swimsuits, motorbikes, and some pictures of us, surrounded by the Gryffindor colours. Covered the entire room, no blank space left on any of the walls or the ceiling!” Sirius whoops, and the other three boys laugh with Sirius in his joy, “Oh man, my parents are going to be so angry when they find it. I wish I could see their faces!” Sirius sighs.

He rests his head on Remus’ shoulder again before jerking his head up and looking at Remus, “Is that my jumper?”

“No?”

Sirius groans and decides laying down was comfier. He rests his head in Remus’ lap as he asks, “Why can’t you steal someone else’s jumpers?”

***

“Hey, Black!”

Sirius turns to find Lily walking towards him, he raises an eyebrow as she comes closer. He is trying to be nice for Remus’ sake but it’s difficult when she is set on hating him.

“Could you help me with transfiguration again?”

“You sure you want my help? You weren’t very happy about it last time.”

Lily narrows her eyes, “Are you going to help me or not?”

Sirius shrugs, “Are you going to continue hating me?”

“I don’t see why I shouldn’t. You’re nothing but an entitled, arrogant-”

“So why did you come to me for help? Go ask one of your Slytherins for help since you value their opinions so much.”

Lily huffs, “Why do you always have to be so difficult? I’m trying to be nice.”

Sirius lets out a humourless laugh, “This is you being nice? You just insulted me again because I asked if you hated me. You decided to hate me long before we ever had a proper conversation. You also insult my friends every chance you get. I don’t call this being difficult, I call this being realistic. Why should I help someone who hates me?”

“Maybe if you helped me I wouldn’t hate you.”

“Maybe if you were nice to me I would help you.”

Lily huffs, “You need to take a step here okay? You can’t expect me to do all of the work.”

“I did take a step. Last time I helped you with your transfiguration. It’s your turn.”

“I’m taking my step now.”

“No. You’re trying to use me while still hating everything about me, especially my transfiguration knowledge.”

“So you won’t help me cause I won’t fawn all over you like everybody else?”

“Who fawns over me?” Sirius asks curiously, head tilted.

“Are you kidding me? Half the girls in the school are constantly throwing themselves at you and you can’t even be bothered to give them the time of day! You just think you’re-”

“What?”

“You’re trying to tell me you don’t notice?” Lily scoffs.

“No?”

“This is incredible. You’re so-”

“He’s telling the truth.” Remus cuts in walking up to them.

Lily turns an incredulous gaze on him.

“Wait you’re telling me that  _ she’s _ telling the truth?” Sirius blurts out, gaze shifting between the two of them.

Remus smiles, “Yes, Sirius, people are always trying to get your attention.”

“And I don’t notice? How do I not notice?”

Remus shrugs, “You’re usually busy talking to me or James, or lost in thought.”

Lily snorts, “Yeah I bet.”

Remus shifts his gaze to her, eyes hardening, “Why are you two talking anyway?”

“I wanted help with my transfiguration homework but he won’t help me.”

“And I suppose you asked nicely?”

“Of course.” Lily snaps.

“And Sirius said?”

“That I would help. Come on, Evans, let’s go.”

“Sirius?”

“I’m fine, Re, I’ll see you in a bit.”

“You’re just helping because of Remus.” Lily says angrily as they walk towards the tables.

“Yes.”

“You’re not even going to deny it?”

“Deny that I’m helping out a friend of a friend because they’re a friend of a friend? No, I’m not going to deny it.” Sirius sits down at the table that Lily’s book are spread across.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“So what did you mean? I can’t read your mind.” Sirius asks tiredly.

“You’re trying to impress him, make him think you’re a better friend that I am.”

“I don’t need to try for that Lily, I already am the better friend and we both know it. I’m helping you because your Remus’ friend and he wishes we would get along. You told me to take a step, here I am and yet you’re still not willing to take one yourself. Now ask me your questions because I’d rather not waste any more time arguing with you when you don’t want to resolve anything.”

Lily huffs angrily, glaring at Sirius but turns her attention to her homework.

***

Sirius shoves the door open causing it to hit the wall with a satisfactory bang. He walks into the room and slams it shut with another bang.

Mcgonagall stands up from behind her desk, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Sirius says cheerfully, “I just like loud noises.”

Mcgonagall sighs and sinks back into her chair trying to hide her amusement, “Biscuit?” she asks pushing the tin across her desk.

Sirius takes three biscuits and sinks into the chair in front of the desk, “So I’ve decided I’m not gay.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I mean, I like the guy, but not how everyone else is talking about their crushes. So I must not be gay then right?”

“What do you mean? How does everyone else talk about their crushes that you don’t?”

“Okay, well first, Minnie, I don’t talk about what I thought was a crush with anyone but you, and I don’t know, It’s just… different. So am I gay or what?”

Mcgonagall sighs, “Sirius, we’ve been over this I can’t tell you-”

“Not  _ helpful, _ Minnie.”

“-but perhaps you’d like to talk about some other words that may describe you?”

Sirius scoffs, “Like what? Hilarious, gorgeous, perfect?”

Mcgonagall smiles, just a bit, “I meant different sexualities.”

“What?”

“So you know gay, and straight, there’s also bisexual, pansexual, asexual, and aromantic though it’s not a sexuality. These are just the umbrella terms, there are many more and I can point you to some books if you’re curious.”

Sirius looks at her wide-eyed, “I-what do they mean?”

“Bisexual is attraction to two genders,-”

“Nope.”

Mcgonagall raises her eyebrows but continues, “pansexual is attraction to all or any gender, and-”

“Um.”

“Asexual is a lack of sexual attraction, and aromantic is a lack of romantic attraction.”

Sirius scoffs, “Okay so none of those are me, so I’m either gay or straight. Got it. “ Sirius gets up and walk towards the door, “Again,  _ not helpful, _ Minnie.” He calls as he leaves the room.

She sighs putting her head in her hands, that boy doesn’t listen, either to her or to himself.

***

“So I had an idea!” Sirius announces walking into the dorm, the other three boys look up at him from where they are sprawled on their beds, or in Peter’s case, the floor.

“Is it going to get us detention?” Remus asks.

“It’s almost the end of the year, Siri, I need to study.” Peter says turning back to his textbook and scroll. 

“Study?” Sirius scoffs. “And no. It won’t get us detention, probably. Once it’s completed it’ll help us stay out of detention!”

“What’re you talking about, Siri?”

“A map, James, a map!”

Remus sits up, setting his book to the side, “How’s a map going to keep us out of detention?”

“Thank you for that wonderful question, Mr. Lupin. This map that we are going to create will show all the people in the castle and where they are at all times!”

James’ eyes light up, while Peter looks confused, and Remus is sceptical.

“It’ll get taken away almost as soon as we finish it,  _ if _ we even manage to make it and then it will be used to give us more detention when the professors can always know where we are.”

“Okay, first off,  _ Remus,  _ we will finish it.” Sirius says sticking out his tongue, “and secondly, we’ll put a password of sorts on it, so nobody else can see it! It’ll be perfect, just you wait.”

“Why now? We’ve managed almost four years just fine.”

“Re! We want  _ less _ detention! And also we can’t fit two of us under the cloak anymore.”

“But-”

“Re _ mus, _ ” Sirius whines, flopping onto his bed and pulling Remus over. Remus laughs as he goes down.

“It sounds great, Siri, but I still need to study, when will we have time to work on this map? Any ideas how we’re going to do it?”

“Well I’m not going to be studying so I can research instead, and we’ll have all summer to research! The Potter’s have a large library, we can look in there!”

“You, Sirius Black, are going to study over the summer?”

“It’s for a good cause, Re.” Sirius grins. 

  
  



	6. Fifth Year

“Hey! Siri!” James hisses.

“What?” Sirius asks, trying to focus on his notes, he doesn’t usually but it’s the day of the full moon and Remus isn’t in class.

“There’s mandrakes in one of the other greenhouses.”

“Okay and?”

“ _ And _ , we need some leaves.”

“So we break in. Now sod off I’m trying to notes.”

“We can’t break in!”

“Why  _ not?” _

“How would we get away from Re long enough? He’ll get suspicious”

Sirius frowns, idly scribbling notes as he thinks. He glances up brightly, eyes sparking with an idea. James raises his eyebrows in question and Sirius shoves him into a table beside them, toppling most of the plants resting on it to the floor.

“What the hell, Siri!”

Sirius bursts out laughing at James’ affronted look.

There’s a sigh from the front of the room, “Detention, Mr.Black.”

Sirius grins as he helps James to his feet as Professor Sprout rights the knocked over plants with a wave of her wand.

“What the bloody hell was that for?” James whispers as he takes his seat again.

“Detention, now I can collect some leaves. Do you think we’ll need extra? Or will three be enough?”

***

The common room is empty except for Sirius who is laying on the couch in front of the fire. Everybody else had gone down to dinner but Sirius just hadn’t felt up to it, to being surrounded by all those people. He needed a moment for himself, away from everybody and James had kindly agreed to sneak him back some food.

“Sirius?”And he’s no longer alone.

Sirius takes a deep breath, “Evans,”

“Are you busy?”

“I’m napping.”

When Lily doesn’t respond right away Sirius opens his eyes and turn his head to look at her. Sirius sighs again, “What do you need, Evans?”

“I wanted to apologize.”

“What?” Sirius exclaims, shooting upright to stare at her.

“I want to apologize for the way I’ve behaved since we met. I have been extremely rude to you and you didn’t deserve it.”

Sirius stares at her wide-eyed for a moment, “I- who are you and what have you done with Lily?”

Lily rolls her eyes, “I mean it, Bla-Sirius. You were never rude to me, no matter how much I was.”

“I don’t know if I’d say that-”

“Well I would. Can you forgive me? I think I’d like it if we could be friends? If not, I at least promise to be civil, and I hope you will continue to be for Rem’s sake if nothing else.”

“Yeah, sure. Friends.”

“So, as your friend, can I ask why you’re hiding in the common room during dinner?”

Sirius huffs, “This is your fault, ever since you told me last year that people are always fawning over me I started noticing it, and I just… can’t deal with it sometimes. Those people don’t care about me. They only see me as a pretty face.”

“Sirius-”

“So why now?” Sirius interrupts.

“Why now what?” Lily sits on the couch, leaning against the arm, facing Sirius.

“What made you apologize now? Why did you decide to apologize at all?”

“My sister.”

“Your sister?”

“Over the summer I was talking to my parents about school, and my friends, and… my sister, she only had negative comments. Didn’t matter what I said she was determined to hate everybody and everything that I mentioned, the moment I mentioned it. And I realized that I had been doing the same thing to you…. And to James. Not in that moment, but later when I was talking to Marlene. Well, okay, so Marlene pointed out I was being a hypocrite, so I’m turning over a new leaf. I don’t want to be like my sister, she’s just bitter and angry.”

Sirius nods, and lets himself slump back into the couch, “So you’re giving me a chance? And James?”

“Yeah, yes. I’m going to try. I mean, I’m going to, but it’s just going to take a bit of effort on my part, that’s where the trying comes in. Trying to remember to be open minded all the time. Not trying to give you a chance, I will give you a chance. That’s a definite, but the trying, is trying not to go with my gut reaction, which I’ve trained myself for since we started school. I’m not-”

“Lily!” Sirius huffs a quiet laugh, “I get it. You’re trying, you’re human.” Sirius pauses for a moment, “Thank you, by the way, it’ll mean a lot to Re.”

“What about you? It doesn’t mean a lot to you?”

Sirius shrugs, “I had made peace with you hating me. Remus always had hope though, James too, I think.”

“Siri! We brought gifts!” Sirius turns to look towards the portrait hole which James, Remus, and Peter were crawling through, laden with food.

“What’re you doing?” Remus asks as he comes closer, depositing his load of food on the end table beside the couch. He glances curiously between Sirius and Lily.

“We were just talking.” Sirius says with a quick glance at Lily.

“Talking? You two?” James scoffs.

“We were!” Lily huffs, “I came to apologize for how I’ve treated him in the past.”

Remus and James turn twin looks of disbelief on Sirius.

Sirius nods, “Really.”

James narrows his eyes.

“Solemnly swear,” Sirius sighs.

James and Remus share a look, “Well, okay, I mean why-” James starts.

“Look boys, it’s been nice talking to you but I’m going to go. Dinner.” She stands and starts to leave.

“We have a lot of food, you could stay.” Remus offers.

Lily shoots a look at James before shaking her head and fleeing out of the portrait hole.

James looks after her in dismay, “So you get an actual apology and yet she still avoids me like the plague.”

Sirius looks at James, “She said she was going to apologize to you too, probably wanted to do it when you two were alone. Give her some time.”

“Oh so now you’re defending her? After all the time-”

“James,” Remus cuts in quietly.

James hangs his head, “Right. Sorry, Siri. I just-”

“We’re good, Jamie.”

***

“Okay class, today we will be learning the patronus charm.”

Sirius looks at James and Peter excitedly, it was said that a person’s patronus charm usually matches their animagus form! 

“Everyone think of your happiest memory, it needs to be a strong memory. Enough to battle off the despair that dementors bring. The stronger the memory, the stronger the charm and the longer it will last. Now before we start thinking too hard, everybody repeat after me. Expecto Patronum.”

“Expecto Patronum.” the class parrots back.

“Good. Now start thinking of your happy memory and when you think you’ve got one you can try the spell.”

Sirius closes his eyes imagining his friends, thinking up pranks with Jamie, cuddling with Re. He pulls up a memory of them laughing together, he doesn’t know what they were laughing at anymore but he knows he was happy and loved.

“Expecto Patronum!” Sirius says confidently and a silver dog bounds out of his wand. It runs around the room, jumping excitedly before stopping next to Remus, and there it stays.

“Nice job, Siri! A dog’s pretty awesome.” James sends him a large smile and Sirius knows he is thinking of their animagus forms too.

“You going, Jamie?”

“Expecto Patronum.” James laughs, and a silver stag gallops out of his wand.

“Aww, look, Jamie, it has prongs on it’s head.”

“They’re  _ antlers _ , Siri.”

“Nope. Prongs. That’s his name now.” Sirius draws himself up, “I hereby name your patronus Prongs.”

“Siri, I will-”

“Expecto Patronum.” Remus says, breaking apart their argument, amusement written clear on his face. He smile drops when a wolf erupts from his wand, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“A wolf!” Sirius cheers, watching as his dog goes to play. He didn’t even know patronuses could play. 

Remus’ smile re-appears as he watches his patronus interact with the dog and stag that belong to his friends.

“We shall call him Moony, because he howls at the moon.”

“Creative, Sirius. So proud.” James mumbles.

“I guess we’ll have to call _ your _ patronus Padfoot because he has pads on his feet.”

“That’s horrible Moony.”

“No it’s great!” James says excitedly, “though that was Remus you were talking to, not his patronus.”

“You are not calling me Moony.” Remus agrees.

Sirius smirks, “Sure, Moony.”

“Careful, Padfoot.”

James rolls his eyes and turns away, “You going, Pete?”

Peter nods determinedly, “Expecto Patronum!” A silver shield shoots out of his wand, fading again when he sighs.

“Come on, Pete. You can do it. Concentrate.”

Peter takes a deep breath, “Expecto Patronum!” A rat scampers out of his wand and Peter stares at it dumbfounded, “I don’t even want to know what kind of name-”

“Look it’s tail looks like a worm!” James calls as the patronus moves past his face.

“No. Oh no.”

“I dub thee, Wormtail. You may now rise a true patronus.” James says, moving his wand in a dubbing motion towards the silver rat.

“Oh no.”

“Oh yes!”

“Hey! Nice doe, Evans!” someone shouts over the noise of people casting the charm.

Lily glances over, her eyes glancing between the four boys and their patronuses, three of which are still playing together. James looks away from Peter’s rat and catches sight of the silver doe, him and his stag stopping at the sight. Lily’s doe fades as her face pales and James forces himself to turn away. 

“She really does hate me, doesn’t she?”

Sirius puts an arm around his shoulders, “She’ll come around mate. If she found it in herself to stop hating me, she’ll stop hating you eventually too.”

“I don’t think she hates you anymore,” Remus adds. 

James gives them a small smile that doesn’t reach his eyes,  “Sure. Thanks.”

***

“Hey, Re-”

“Where’ve you three been?”

“We-”

“Actually don’t answer. I’d have to give you detention.”

“Re-”

“No no. I can’t live like this, tell me.”

“ _ Remus _ ,” James groans, “We were in the library, looking for a book. We found a passage we want you to read, see what you think.”

Remus raises his eyebrows, “That sounds very suspicious.”

“Yup.” Sirius pops the ‘p’, “Now turn around and face the wall.”

“Very suspicious. Is this book going to scream or hurt me in some way?” Remus asks with a grin.

Sirius hums, “Might give you a bit of a fright.” Peter laughs, while James opens to book to the correct page.

“Ready boys?” James asks, standing beside Remus ready to hand the book over. Peter nods, almost shaking with excitement.

“Now for the rules, Remus. Number one, read the entire passage before turning around. Number two, don’t freak out.”

“That doesn’t sound promising. You know the full moon is in two days right?”

“Oh. Oh, playing the werewolf card so we’ll go easy on you is that it, Rem?” James asks.

“Will it work?”

“No.”

“Why am I friends with you lot?” Remus asks with a sigh, before turning to face the wall accepting the book from James.

“You love us, Moony.”

“Stop calling me Moony.”

“Too late! Now read!” Sirius says cheerfully. 

Remus chuckles quietly before starting to read. The three boys watch him as his shoulders became more and more tense the more he reads. They cringe when he throws the book down on the bed beside him.

“No.” he whispers, “No! You can’t, I won’t let you. It’s too dangerous, too  _ illegal _ .” He spins around to face his friends tears in his eyes. “Why would you show this to me? Why dangle it in front of me when you  _ can’t _ .”

James and Peter look a little repentant, but Sirius just grins, “When has something as trivial as the law ever stopped us?”

Remus smiles weakly, “When have you ever broken the law Siri? School rules, yes. But the law?”

Sirius shrugs, “So you’re right I haven’t done much law breaking, we may have to fix that but I did do  _ this _ .” He says as he transforms into his animagus form.

Remus’ eyes widen. “Sirius!” He says angrily, “James! How could you let him do-” He whirls on James to find a stag in his place. He closes his eyes before turning to look at Peter, “And Pete. Oh good you did it too.” He leans back on the wall, face in his hands.

“Remus?” Sirius asks, switching back to his human form.

“I-I-”

“We wanted to help, Re.” Peter says quietly after shifting back.

“And we’re almost finished the map too, so it’ll be easy for us to get out.” James adds.

“Almost finish-what? When did you have time to work on the map? You’ve been spending all your time studyi- oh. So what’s left for the map?”

“We just need to activate it, and put the protective spell on.”

“You lot can’t come on the full moon.”

“You can’t stop us.” Sirius says as he pulls the almost finished map out of his trunk.

“Sirius!” Remus yells, “You can’t! If you get hurt I’ll never forgive myself! Don’t do this!  _ Please. _ ” his voice cracks on the last word.

“Remus, we’ve done the research, we’ll be okay. Pete won’t come in, he’s just going to get me and James past the willow.”

“Sirius.”

“Re. Let us do this for you. Please.”

“Si-”

“Okay!” Peter interrupts, “Let’s finish the map! Remus, do you want to do the honours?”

Remus rolls his eyes, stepping forward to take the parchment from Sirius. He grabs his wand off his bed, and taps the map, murmuring under his breath as he does. He works for a few minutes before pausing and scrutinizing the map.

“Did it work?” Peter asks excitedly.

“Here.”

Peter grabs it excitedly and taps it with his wand, “Nothing happened.”

“You forgot the password, Pete.” Remus grins.

“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.” Peter says tapping the map again. His eyes widen as it comes alive. James and Sirius crowd around so they can see while Remus watches with a sly grin on his face as they read the welcoming message.

“Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers

are proud to present

The Marauder’s Map.”

_ “Wormtail?” _

_ “Padfoot?” _

_ “Prongs? _ This isn’t what we agreed on, Re!”

Remus bursts out laughing, “No, but I also didn’t agree to Moony. Besides, I still called it the Marauder’s map.”

_ “Moony!” _

_ “Moony!” _

_ “Moony!” _

Remus flops back onto his bed, grin splitting his face.

 

***

“Okay, so Pete, you need to be out there when they take Moony out so you can see what knot they press. It’ll probably be easiest if you go out before curfew, that way me and Siri can keep the map.”

“Before dark then? So I can be outside without suspicion. When’ll you two come out?”

“We’ll hide in the Great Hall until Pomfrey and Remus go out and then we’ll follow them under the cloak.”

“Moony’s going to smell us.”

James shrugs, “He won’t give us away.”

“Are you sure you’ll both fit under the cloak?”

James thinks for a moment before going to his trunk and flinging it open. He pulls out the cloak, draping it over Sirius and himself just as the door opens. Remus looks directly at them, “I can see your feet.”

“Damn it.” They shift around a bit, “How about now?”

“You’re good, but can you walk?”

The shuffle forwards a few steps, “That would be a no,” Remus says, frowning, “You’ll have to rely on the map, only using the cloak if there’s no other way and just waiting out the danger.”

Sirius pulls out from under the cloak frowning at James’ feet which are still sticking out. James settles the cloak around himself better, completely disappearing from view.

“Hello, James.” Remus says, pulling the cloak off to reveal James standing with a hand outstretched to ruffle Remus’ hair.

James frowns, “How’d you know I was there?”

“Instinct.”

“He could smell you!” Sirius shouts exasperated.

***

Peter shifts into his human form as James and Sirius get closer to the whomping willow.

“Did you get it?”

Peter nods, and James hands over the map.

“We’ll keep the cloak in case we need it. Remember to set a wand alarm so you can come get us just before dawn.”

“I  _ know,  _ James, we’ve been over this a hundred times.”

“I know, I know, sorry.”

James drops the cloak as he shifts into his animal form, Sirius following right behind.

Peter clears the map and secures it under a rock before changing and darting towards the tree trunk, it doesn’t take long after he reaches it for the tree to freeze. James and Sirius hurry forwards, Sirius a couple steps behind as he picks up the cloak in his mouth. James reaches the tunnel first and is forced to change back into his human form as his antlers won’t fit. Sirius lets out a soft bark, tongue lolling. James glares at him before moving forwards on his hands and knees, Sirius following easily behind. 

They reach the shrieking shack, a door separating the tunnel from the house, they pause to listen for a moment but hearing nothing James opens the door. They move in, James quickly securing the door before changing back into a stag. Sirius sniffs as they step forwards and leads the way to Remus, who is sitting on a bed in one of the rooms. He looks up as they enter. 

“Sirius?” Remus gasps, “James? Why? I told you not to.”

Sirius switches forms, “And we didn’t listen, you didn’t really think we would did you?”

Remus stares at him with wide eyes, and James nudges him with an antler.

“Change back!”

“Why? You’re human still.”

“Sirius, if you’re going to be here, you’re going to do it my way. Now change  _ back.” _ Sirius quickly shifts.

“Good. Now give me the cloak, we can put it in the closet so it doesn’t get wrecked. I’ll get it back once the night is over.” Remus places the cloak in the closet, shutting it and turning nervously back to his friends who are watching him. “So, um. Because it’s not a voluntary transition like you guys have, I um, I’ll wreck my clothes…” He trails off, avoiding eye contact. Sirius moves forwards, nudging Remus’ hand with his nose. When Remus looks at him Sirius closes his eyes and keeps them closed. Remus lets out a soft chuckle ruffling Sirius’ ears, “Yeah, okay, close your eyes.” Remus watches them both for a moment making sure they keep their eyes closed before moving away and starting to undress. He puts his clothes in the closet with the cloak and grabs a blanket off the bed to wrap around himself, partly for modesty’s sake and partly because of the cool night air. “Okay.” he says softly when he’s finished.

Sirius’ eyes pop open, immediately locking onto Remus. 

James makes a huffing noise and Remus looks over.

He sighs, “And now we wait, it shouldn’t be too long. Promise me you’ll stay safe?”

James blinks slowly at him in confirmation, while Sirius gives his head a jerk, accompanied by a soft bark.

“Ahh!” Remus yells, curling in on himself. Sirius darts closer, snuffling at his friend. Remus pushes him away. “Siri, please. Stay back.”

Sirius moves back obligingly letting out a small whimper as he does.

Remus jerks again and the transformation begins. James and Sirius stare wide eyed as their friend’s body stretches and contorts, so different from their own transformations. It takes a few minutes and then they are standing face to face with a werewolf. It towers over them on it’s hind legs.

The creature stalks forwards sniffing the air as Sirius and James stand their ground, unwilling to show any fear. Sirius isn’t afraid as he searches the creature’s face for signs of his friend. He fights back a whimper when he doesn’t find any. It drops down to all fours when it reaches Sirius, sniffing again now that it’s closer. It nudges him with it’s nose and Sirius freezes forcing himself to remain calm. It’s Moony, it’s  _ Moony _ . 

~~~

He nudges the dog with his nose again before moving onto the deer. His tongue swipes over his mouth as he takes in the scent, one part of his mind yelling  _ Food! _ A different part, quieter at first but stronger with every passing moment insists  _ Friend.  _ The deer stands still as he smells it, he can detect the slightest trace of fear but it is faint. He nudges the deer with his nose. 

Howl, he thinks, a real friend, a packmate will howl with me. He throws back his head and howls. The dog-friend howls with him joyfully, dancing around on his paws. The deer-friend doesn’t howl with them. He nudges the deer-friend again encouraging him to howl too. He doesn’t. Deer-friend is actually food. He lets out a soft growl and the deer moves back. He pounces forwards, teeth and claws outstretched but the dog-friend tackles him to the side. Dog-friend moves off quickly and stands in front of the deer. He growls. The deer wouldn’t howl, the deer isn’t a friend, isn’t pack. He creeps around the dog-friend and tries to reach the deer but the dog growls, getting in his way.

~~~

Sirius growls as Remus tries to get around him to James. It had started out pretty well but now he seemed upset that James hadn’t howled, because James  _ couldn’t  _ howl. Sirius growls again and shifts his position to be between Remus and James, so far it doesn’t seem like Remus wants to hurt him. 

Remus lunges and Sirius snaps, driving him back again. He backs into James, throwing a quick glance over his shoulders, trying to relay a message. James’ eyes dart to his and then back to Remus quickly as he lunges forwards again. Sirius snaps, taking a few steps forwards and driving him back. Sirius turns back to James and lets out a short howl, before staring at James intently. James looks back, gaze shifting rapidly. Sirius throws a quick look at Remus before turning back to James and nudging him before howling again. This time when he stops and stares James seems to get it and lets out a long and low noise. Not a howl, but as close as a deer can get. Sirius joins in with a howl, and soon Remus does too. 

After that the night passes quickly in a mess of howling, wrestling, and wandering. It’s almost dawn when Remus turns back in one of the upstairs bedrooms. James is downstairs, his legs don’t work well on the stairs, they had tried it in the castle one day. Sirius darts out of the room when Remus starts changing back, he grabs the blanket that Remus had used earlier and drags it awkwardly up the stairs in his mouth. He drapes it the best he can over Remus’ shaking form before laying down beside him and pressing up against his friend. 

“Thanks, Padfoot.” Remus croaks, pulling the blanket tighter around himself. Once the shaking has stopped, Remus sits up and looks over at the stairs. He sighs, “Could you help me, Siri?” his voice is quiet.

Sirius stands, moving to Remus’ side and nosing at him, trying to get him up.

Remus lets out a soft chuckle, “In your human form will be fine.”

Sirius shifts back with a grin and lifts Remus to his feet, he wraps one arm around Remus’ waist and the other he uses to hold one of Remus arms as Remus clutches at the blanket around his shoulders. They make their way slowly down the stairs. 

Peter and James are waiting for them sitting on the bed, the cloak and Remus’ clothes resting beside them. The boys close their eyes as Remus gets dressed.

“Okay.” He says softly, they open their eyes. “It’s time for you to go, Pomfrey will be here in about an hour.”

“Can I stay?” Sirius asks quietly and Remus looks at him in surprise.

“Please, Re? I don’t want to leave you like this. James and Pete can take the map and get back to the castle, and I’ll keep the cloak and wait with you until Pomfrey gets here.” Remus stares at him blankly. 

“Remus?” Sirius asks hesitantly. 

“Uh, yeah. Sure. I mean. If you want. I’m just going to sleep until she gets here.”

Sirius grins. James and Peter nod.

“We’ll see you soon then, yeah?” James asks. 

Sirius nods and Remus makes an affirmative noise as he curls up sleepily on the bed.

James smiles and follows Peter through the door and into the tunnel.

“What’re you going to do?” Remus mumbles, eyes closing.

Sirius glances over, “I think I’ll change, my hearing is better that way, and then I’ll just follow you out when it’s time. Okay?”

“Mmm.” Remus hums before drifting off. Sirius shifts and crawls up onto the bed beside Remus, and lays close, pressing into the other boy and lending him his body heat.

***

“So?” Peter asks two days later as they are all getting ready for the day, “Did it help? Can we do it again next moon?”

Remus glances at him over his shoulder and gives a quick nod before returning to organizing his and Sirius’ books in his bag.

The other three marauders exchange gleeful smiles behind his back.

***

“This is exciting.”

“This is not exciting.”

Sirius rolls his head to look at Remus, “I wanna see if he remembers me.”

Remus raises his eyebrows, “You think it will?”

Sirius smirks, “I’m pretty memorable. He probably forgot Prongs though.” Prongs snorts from where he’s standing near the door. 

Remus rolls his eyes, “Change. It’s starting soon.”

“It is no-”

“My rules remember? I will kick you out.”

Sirius changes into his dog.

“Ahh, isn’t this nice. This is the most relaxing part of the month. Peace and quiet from Sirius Black.”

Sirius barks.

Remus smirks, “Shush, Padfoot.”

Sirius jumps onto the bed and tackles Remus, licking his face.

“Stop! Stop!” Remus gasps, laughing as he tries to push him away. Sirius sits on his legs, tongue lolling. They stay like that, James looking on in amusement. 

“Okay, Siri, get off now. It’s starting soon.” Sirius immediately jumps down and retreats. He sits and watches Remus expectantly. He lets out a small whimper as he watches his friend go through the pain of his transformation. It doesn’t take long though and a then a werewolf is standing over them again. He lets out a short howl when he catches sight of Sirius and James, too short for them to join in. He drops to all fours and walks over to nudge Sirius with his nose. He growls slightly and Sirius crouches down, submissive but ready to move. Remus whines and nudges him again, letting out a small yip. 

Sirius moves cautiously, sticking his butt up in the air, tail wagging, chest pressed down. Remus yelps, bouncing around. He nudges Sirius again and howls. Sirius joins him, and while he’s howling Remus attacks him. Sirius is on his back with Remus standing over him, teeth bared. Sirius lets out a whine and Remus backs off. He lets out a yip, nudging Sirius with his nose and circling anxiously. He stops when Sirius gets back onto his feet and he attacks again, jaws wrapping around his neck, holding but not biting. Sirius goes limp and Remus backs off again. Sirius whines, glancing over at James whose eyes are wide with fear. Sirius turns back to study werewolf Remus, he stalks forwards cautiously and Remus lets out a happy bark, moving like a puppy ready to play. Sirius jumps forwards, following his instincts and biting at Remus’ leg, and then they’re wrestling. They break apart and then meet again in the middle, scrambling and biting though never drawing blood. Remus is being cautious. They play for a while until Sirius falls and doesn’t get back up again, panting heavily. James hurries over, nudging at Sirius with his nose worriedly. Sirius paws at his nose and rolls onto his stomach, tongue lolling happily. Remus howls, and James joins in as Sirius curls into a ball eyes closing. Remus lays down beside Sirius, big enough to curl around him, and they sleep away the rest of the night. Remus wakes up with his arms around Sirius, still in dog form, his face pressed into his scruff. He doesn’t remember changing back, or cuddling with Sirius. He sits up with a groan, all too aware of his nakedness, he pulls his knees to his chest and James lifts his head. James stands, human, from where he was laying as a deer, and gets Remus’ clothes out of the closet and grabs a blanket off the bed. He drapes the blanket over Remus’ shoulders and hands him the bundle of clothes. 

“How’d it go?” Remus asks, standing and slowly getting dressed under cover of the blanket on his shoulders. 

“He remembered me!” Sirius crows from where he’s sprawled on the floor. “Your werewolf loves me!”

***

“I think I’m in love, Minnie.” Sirius says as he saunters into Mcgonagall’s office and jumps up to sit on her desk.

She glances up at him with a sigh, closing and locking the door with a flick of her wand, “Did you come just to tell me that? I’m very happy for you. Have a biscuit.”

Sirius grabs a biscuit happily and takes a bite, “Okay, so not  _ in love _ ,” he says, crumbs falling out of his mouth, “but I think I have a crush? I think I finally get what everybody’s always talking about…” He trails off into silence thinking for a moment, “Does having a crush on a boy make me gay?”

“Maybe, there’s more than just gay and straight you know. Having a crush on a boy may mean you aren’t straight, but that’s about it.”

“I’m trying to get answers here, Minnie, and you are  _ not  _ helping.”

“I can’t tell you who you are, Sirius.”

Sirius huffs jumping off her desk and walking towards the door. 

“Sirius, wait.”

Sirius turns.

“Is that really all you wanted to talk about? That’s not like you.”

Sirius sighs and returns to the chair in front of the desk, “I don’t know, Minnie. I still feel different. Why can’t I be normal?”

“What is ‘normal’?”

Sirius shrugs, “I don’t know, but not me. Everybody else knows who they’re attracted to, has for a while now but I’m just getting my first crush? And I can’t even tell my friends.”

“Why can’t you tell your friends? I’m sure they would support you.”

Sirius shrugs.

Mcgonagall sighs, “You can talk about him with me if you’d like.”

Sirius shakes his head, “What would I even say?”

“Why do you like him?”

“I don’t know,” Sirius bites his lip, “okay, so I do know, but I’m not even sure it’s really a crush, maybe I just like him as a person. How do I know if it’s a crush? Is it a crush, Minnie?”

“Sirius-”

“I know, I know, you can’t tell me. Could you at least help though? I need some advice!”

“That’s not what I was going to say,” Sirius shoots her an incredulous look, “A crush is different because of the feelings, and the way you want to interact with them.”

“Oh.”

“So?”

“I- I think it’s a crush? It’s different than how I think about James, so that, that would mean it’s a crush right?” Sirius looks up at Mcgonagall hopefully.

“Yes, Sirius. I think so.”

Sirius breathes out in relief, “Thanks, Minnie!” He stands and heads to the door, he waits for Mcgonagall to unlock before he flings it open and steps out. Mcgonagall watches him go with a faint smile on her face.

“Wait.” Sirius pops his head back in the door. He stares at Mcgonagall for a moment, before stepping in again and closing the door, “What if he’s not my soulmate? My crush?”

“You like who you like, Sirius. Don’t let a name on your arm influence your decisions.”

“But it’s soulmates. Old magic. I can’t just ignore that!”

“So don’t, but even old magic can be wrong. Don’t let a name on your arm stop you from doing what you want. A crush is not a betrayal of your soulmate, it’s a normal part of life for most people.”

“Right,” Sirius opens to door and leaves again, this time he doesn’t come back.

***

“Sirius?” James asks one night during the summer.

“Yeah, Prongs?”

James huffs a laugh, “Stop calling me that!”

“Can’t. It’s on the map. It’s official.” Sirius can almost hear James rolling his eyes, he grins.

James quiets down after a moment, “Sirius, would you- why haven’t-”

“Spit it out, James.”

“Why won’t you tell us who your soulmate is?” James asks voice soft.

Sirius can hear his heart beating in the silence that follows as he tries to come up with a good lie as James waits for a truthful answer.

“I don’t know.”

“You know you can trust us, trust me right? I’ll be here if you ever want to talk about it.”

“No, James. I don’t know who it is.”

James sits up on his bed and looks over at Sirius, “What do you mean? I thought you had your mark?”

“I do.” Sirius’ voice shakes, “I haven’t seen it since I was five though, and I didn’t know how to read yet.”

“Wait, Siri.” James clambers out of bed and over to Sirius. He stands beside his bed for a moment before crawling under the covers beside him. “What are you talking about?”

“My mother put the cuff on shortly after I showed my parents my mark, she magicked it so I can’t take it off. I only know it’s a male half-blood because my parents loved to remind me how worthless I was because of that.”

“You’re not worthless, Siri. Do you want me to try?”

Sirius looks at him.

“Maybe the magic is specific to you? It’s worth a shot right?”

Sirius sighs, moving his gaze to the roof. He holds his arm out for James who sits up and fiddles with it for awhile before giving up.

“We’ll figure it out, Siri, this’ll be our project for the year.”

“No. James, no. You can’t tell the others.”

“Just you and me then.”

***

  
  



	7. Sixth Year

“Prongs! Where’re you going?” Peter calls out.

“Library!” James yells and he steps out of the portrait hole.

“What is he up to? He doesn’t study for school related things.” Remus sighs, looking at Sirius.

“What?”

“You know, don’t you.” Remus says suspiciously. “Is it anything to do with me?” Sirius shrugs, smirking.

“Sirius? Please?”

Sirius sighs, throwing himself across Remus lap and knocking his book to the floor, “No, Moony, nothing to do with you.”

“Sirius?” Remus asks still suspicious.

“Solemnly swear.”

“Okay.” He pauses for a moment and looks down at his friend, “So you do know what he’s doing?”

Sirius smirks but doesn’t answer. 

***

“Okay, Padfoot, so I found a couple of things I want to try.”

“Is it safe?”

“Of course it’s safe!” Sirius holds his arm out so James can grasp it, “...mostly.”

Sirius tugs on his arm trying to get it back until James starts muttering spells and Sirius freezes, afraid to move lest something go wrong.

They stay there for half an hour, James muttering and Sirius trying not to fidget. They’re sitting on Sirius’ bed in their room when Remus and Peter walk in.

“What’re you doing?” Peter asks as they both come over.

“Nothing!” Sirius shouts, ripping his arm away from James and flopping backwards onto the bed so he’s laying down sprawled out.

James huffs and moves so he’s sitting next to Sirius’ arm and mutters for another minute, “Sorry, I needed to finish that spell.”

“Can you explain now? Cause that obviously wasn’t nothing.”

Sirius closes his eyes and pretends to sleep even as his breathing gets more and more erratic.

“Padfoot. It’s okay. They’re our friends.”

“Siri? You okay?” Peter asks softly, sitting by his feet.

“Pads.” Remus murmurs, sitting on the bed beside him and running his fingers through Sirius’ hair.

“James.” Sirius says, breathing starting to even out, though still far from normal.

“I can tell them?”

Sirius gives a jerky nod and his breathing picks up again as James starts to talk.

“Sirius’ mother charmed the cuff on his wrist so that Siri can’t take it off. He doesn’t know who his soulmate is cause he hasn’t seen it since he was five.”

“Oh, Siri.” Peter murmurs. It takes a while but eventually Sirius calms down under the comforting warmth of James’ hand on his arm, and Remus’ fingers running through his hair.

***

“Minnie.”

“Sirius,” Mcgonagall looks up from the papers she’s marking as Sirius makes his way into the room. She looks worried, Sirius thinks it’s justified. He looks like crap and he knows it.

“It’s not a crush.”

“What?”

“That feeling that I thought was a crush, isn’t a crush. I’ve never had a crush. I’m broken.”

“You’re not broken!” Mcgonagall says angrily, Sirius flinches, “Sorry. Sirius, why do you think it’s not a crush now? And why do you think you’re broken?”

“I’m broken because it’s not a crush. Because I don’t want to- I don’t want anything to change. I just like this person, and the way we are together, I don’t want anything to change.”

“Do you know this person well? Your non-crush?”

Sirius shrugs, “Sort of.”

“And that ‘sort of’ is enough for you?”

“Yeah, well, no. I want to know him better, but not… not physically.” the last word comes out on a whisper.

“You don’t have to, Sirius, everybody is different. Not everyone enjoys physical intimacy.”

“But that’s what a crush is. Isn’t it? People talking about how much they want to snog their crush and… other things.”

“Just because you don’t want those things doesn’t mean you don’t have a crush.”

“But what if my crush wants those things?”

Mcgonagall sighs, rubbing at her eyes under her glasses, “Everybody is different, Sirius, and just because someone wants something doesn’t mean they can’t be perfectly happy without it.” She pauses, “Did you hear your crush say these things?”

“Well no, but most people-”

“Most. Not all.”

“Yes, most. So I’ve got to assume he does unless he says otherwise.”

“Maybe he thinks the same about you.”

“Not likely. I doubt he even thinks of me at all.”

“Sirius-”

“Nope. I’m done. Thanks for your help, Minnie. But no, I don’t have a crush, and you can’t convince me otherwise.”

James opens the door to Mcgonagall’s office at that moment, “You talking about your crush?” he shifts his focus to Mcgonagall, “He won’t tell us who it is, but he’s always lost in thought about them.”

“I don’t have a crush.” Sirius bites out.

Remus leans into the doorway, “It’s alright either way, Siri. But you know you can talk to us right?”

Sirius looks at Remus, who looks so sincere and Sirius deflates a little, “Yeah I know. But I don’t have a crush. It was dumb to think I did.”

“What do you mean?” James asks coming further into the room, Remus close behind him.

Sirius shrugs, “It’s just a friend thing. I just want to be his friend.”

“We not enough for you?” James asks in mock outrage.

Sirius looks down, avoiding his friends’ gazes.

“We can find him, Siri, I was joking. You can have more friends. Let’s go find him!”

“No! No, we should not do that.”

“Why not? You said you wanted to be his friend.”

“How would we even do that? ‘Hey I thought I had a crush on you but turns out I don’t, let’s be friends.’ Yeah, no.”

“Well we wouldn’t do that,” James rolls his eyes, “We could be casual about it.”

“James. You are horrible at casual.”

“Am not!”

Sirius stares at him, eyebrows raised.

“Moony?”

“You’re horrible at casual, James.”

“Well then you can do casual.”

“Or! Or we could not do that. Let’s just leave the poor bloke alone. He has friends, he doesn’t need us.”

“Sirius?” Mcgonagall breaks in, “Are you sure it’s not a crush? Most people don’t have such strong reactions to making new friends.”

“Yes, well, I think we’ve established that I’m not most people. Can we just drop it?” Sirius snaps, then sighs, “Sorry, Minnie. I just- I’m going to go have a nap.”

“Okay, come back if you want to talk some more.”

Sirius can feel her worried gaze on his back as he walks out, Remus and James trailing behind.

“You okay, Pads?” Remus asks, voice soft.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

They continue to the Gryffindor tower in silence, Sirius makes a beeline for the staircase and directly to his bed when they reach their dorm. He crawls into his bed, pulling the blankets over his head. He listens as Remus and James talk quietly. One of them leaves, closing the door gently behind them while the other rustles through their things. Sirius is pretty sure it’s Remus, but he doesn’t want to uncover his head to check.

He listens as his friend settles into one of the other beds, and starts turning pages. Definitely Remus then, James can’t read silently to save his life. Sirius rolls over keeping his head under the blankets as he tries to get comfy. He lies there awake for what seems like forever but is probably only ten minutes.

Sirius rolls onto his back, “Moony?”

“Yeah, Pads?”

Sirius bites his lip, “Are you tired?”

There’s a pause in which Sirius tries to frantically come up with a reason why-

“I could have a nap.”

It’s Sirius’ turn to pause, resigned that he’s going to have to ask outright, “Could you lay with me?”

“Yeah of course.” There’s a soft thump as Remus puts his book down, and then his footsteps on the carpet. The blankets move as Remus settles in beside him, “Are you staying under the blanket?”

“No,” Sirius sighs, he pulls the blanket off of his face and rolls onto his side, back to Remus. 

“Padfoot?”

Sirius bites his lip, as he shuffles backwards a bit, until he’s right beside his friend. He reaches blindly backwards, looking for Remus’ arm. When he finds it he pulls it over himself, forcing Remus to roll onto his side as well, his chest pressed against Sirius’ back.

Sirius lets go of his hand and holds his breath, but Remus just shifts a little, getting comfy and a little closer. He settles his arm over Sirius’ stomach and searches for his hand, which he holds against Sirius’s chest with his own. 

Sirius relaxes into the embrace. As much as they’ve cuddled before, this is their first time spooning. Sirius buries his face into his pillow even as he presses his back against his friend, his crush. Not crush. Not a crush. Just- a friend crush. Yeah. But then why does he feel so different about James?

***

“Padfoot!” James yells crashing into the dorm in the middle of the night a couple months later, “Padfoot! Wake up! Moony, Wormtail!”

There are grumbles from the three occupied beds, “What d’you want, Prongs? We’re trying to sleep.”

“I think I’ve got it!”

“Got wha?” Sirius asks in a sleepy mumble.

“I think I figured out how to get the cuff off, now get up! I want to test it out!”

Sirius moans as he sits up and James plops excitedly onto his bed.

Peter and Remus sit up in their own beds to watch. James grins as he reaches for Sirius’ arm and starts on a long complicated spell, speaking for a couple of minutes before his voice trails off into silence.

“Did it work?” Peter asks.

“No, feels the same as alwa-” Sirius cuts himself off and cautiously moves his other hand to pull on the cuff- it moves! “It worked! James it worked!” Sirius grins excitedly, hugging his friend. “Oh Merlin, it worked. Now what am I supposed to do?”

“Look at it?” Remus suggests.

“What if they’re horrible? What if they hate me? Oh Merlin, I don’t think I can do this!” Sirius says his voice rising in hysteria.

“Shh, Pads, it’s okay,” James comforts, pulling him into a hug, “You don’t have to look right now, and you don’t have to look when we’re all watching you. And Siri? They’ll love you. You’re amazing.”

“You’re right. I’m amazing, incredible! I’m smoking hot, I’ve got great hair, and I’m hilarious! What’s not to love?” Sirius smirks.

“There’s our Padfoot, now let’s get some sleep. Yeah?” James pulls him down so they’re laying on the bed, Sirius wrapped in his arms.

***

It takes Sirius another week before he works up the courage to look at his mark. He takes his cuff off everyday and each day he puts it back on again without looking, but today is the day. It isn’t that he thinks his soulmate will hate him like he let his friends believe, it’s that he’s already in love, and is afraid. What if it isn’t him? What if it  _ is? _ Sirius can feel himself wavering and so he vanishes his cuff to remove temptation. Sirius looks at the spot where it had been and thinks, how the bloody hell am I going to cover my mark now?

Sirius took a deep breath and looks down at his mark.

**_Remus Lupin_ **

Sirius stares at the name in shock as a memory of his young self looking over the name and recognizing some of the letters rises in his mind. He traces it with a finger, caught somewhere between panic and giddiness that leaves him almost frozen.

“Hey Pads!” Remus shouts busting into the bathroom, he stops short when he sees Sirius staring at his arm.

Sirius flattens the hand he had been using to trace the name over the mark and stares at Remus wide eyed.

“I didn’t see.” Remus says softly, and Sirius lets out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. Remus looks around the room, “Where’s your cuff?”

“Vanished it.”

Remus grins, “Great! We can get you a new one in Hogsmeade if you want. You ready?”

Sirius; eyes light up, “Yes! And we need to stop at Zonko’s! And Honeydukes!”

“Yes, Padfoot, now let's go! Do you want a scarf or something for your arm for now?”

“Uh-” Sirius starts but Remus has already raised his wand and summoned one.

“C’mon, c’mon, let’s go before Prongs and Wormy leave without us.”

***

“Professor?”

“Sirius? Are you okay?” Mcgonagall is standing behind her desk as Sirius walks into the room.

“I’m… fine. Mostly. I don’t know. I may… not have told you something. Kind of big. That you probably could have helped with.”

“Sirius? What‘re you talking about? You know you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

Sirius scratches at the back of his neck, he avoids Mcgonagall’s eyes as he says, “My mother charmed my soulmate cuff so I couldn’t take it off.”

“What?” Mcgonagall stares at him, mouth open. She snaps it shut with a click, scowling, “When did she do that?”

“The day I got it, when I was five.”

Sirius watches as Mcgonagall takes a deep breath, eyes closed.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

Mcgonagall opens her eyes, “I’m not mad at you, Sirius, I’m mad at your mother. She had no right. Did you want me to take the spell off?”

Sirius shakes his head, “James got it off last week, I just looked at my mark yesterday, before Hogsmede.”

“Okay. Is there something else you’d like to talk about?”

Sirius nods, silent for a moment, “It’s, well, it’s my crush. Non-crush. Friend crush. I don’t- I don’t want him. Like that. Like a romantic soulmate. I just… I like us how we are, I don’t want it to change.”

“So tell him that.”

Sirius shakes his head adamantly, “I can’t do that!”

“Why not?”

“It’s not fair to him, for me to keep him from other relationships because I’m selfish and don’t want to share.”

“What you want or don’t want in a relationship does not make you selfish. You have to discuss things, and you have to make compromises, but the compromises should never make you uncomfortable.”

“Should I tell him?”

“Tell him what?”

“That he’s my soulmate?”

“What’s holding you back?”

“I’m scared.”

“About?”

Sirius sighs, dropping his forehead onto the desk, “I’m scared that he’ll want more than I can give him, and when I can’t give it to him, he’ll leave.”

“You don’t want him to leave?”

Sirius rolls his head on the desk in a modified head shake.

“But you don’t want to tell him?”

Sirius sits up abruptly, “I do want to tell him, I’m just scared!”

“You should tell him, Sirius, or you’ll always be scared he’ll leave when he finds out. You shouldn’t live in fear.”

“I’m scared.”

“Well it’s time to prove you belong in Gryffindor.”

“I don’t. I’m too scared.”

Mcgonagall sighs, “You cannot be brave, Sirius, if you are not first scared. Bravery is about facing your fears.”

“This is a dumb house.”

Mcgonagall lets out a surprised laugh, “I think it’s worked for you quite well.”

“Fine. I’ll tell him. But when I have no friends left after, it’ll be all your fault. I hope you can live with the guilt.”

“I think I’ll survive, there’s not much that would make your friends leave you. Possibly only you telling them to leave, and meaning it.”

“You have a lot of faith in my friends.”

Mcgonagall smirks, “You have strong bonds, I believe in them. Now go tell Remus.”

“Okay, okay- wait. Wait. I didn’t say Remus. I didn’t- why would you say Remus. It’s not Remus.”

Mcgonagall lifts an unimpressed eyebrow.

“How did you know?”

Mcgonagall softens, “You wouldn’t tell your friends who your ‘friend crush’ was. I assumed you were already friends with them.”

“Okay, fair. But why Remus? Why didn’t you think it was James?”

“I’ve seen the way you look at them both. It’s always been Remus.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? How do I look at Remus?”

“Go talk to him,” Mcgonagall says as she stands and ushers him towards the door.

“Minnie! How do I look at him?” Sirius asks desperately.

“Go Sirius.”

Sirius huffs as he’s pushed out of the room, door closing in his face, “Rude.”

“Go!”

***

“Hey, Re? Can I talk to you?” Sirius asks quietly, holding him back after their last class, months after talking to Mcgonagall, letting James and Marlene wander ahead.

“Sure, what’s up, Pads?”

“Um. Not here, let’s go-“ Sirius pulls him along until he finds an empty classroom that he pushes Remus in before him. Remus sits in one of the desks and Sirius paces in front of him nervously.

Sirius stops, taking a deep breath, “I wanted to tell you about my soulmate first, because, well,” Sirius pushes his sleeve up, and pulls off the cuff covering his mark showing Remus his name.

Remus looks back speechless for a moment before opening his mouth to speak.

Sirius cuts him off, “It’s platonic of course. You’re my best friend.” He busies himself pulling the cuff back on, avoiding Remus’ gaze.

Remus frowns, “No I’m not.”

Sirius’ head snaps up, hurt, “What?” His voice cracks.

“Prongs is your best friend, Siri. I know that. It’s fine. The soulmate thing is fine. Why now though? It’s been months.”

“I- I was trying to figure out if it was platonic or romantic or whatever. And I have now. I know it’s platonic so I thought I’d tell you. And I just wanted some time for myself. I’ve had it for so long, I just needed time to process.”

“I- okay.” 

“Okay? We’re good?”

Remus gives him a small smile, “We’re good.”

“Great.” Sirius says with false bravado even as his heart breaks. Not his best friend? How could Remus ever think he was anything but his best friend?

***

“Minnie!” Sirius calls, grinning as he walks into her office.

“Sirius.” she sighs, “What can I do for you?”

Sirius closes the door to her office, shoulders slumping as he walks towards her desk, before sinking into the chair in front of her, he plays with the cuff over his soulmark, “It’s really personal.”

“We’ve talked about this before,” she says gently, leaning forwards.

Sirius blushes, “It’s- well- I don’t-”

She nods silently, encouraging him to speak.

Sirius’ blush deepens, “I- um, so I tried wanking last night, and um I didn’t,” Sirius pauses, sneaking a glance at the professor, “I didn’t like it.”

Mcgonagall blinks at him, “Okay.” she pauses, “I’m not sure what you want from me. If that was your first time-?” She breaks off, letting the question hang.

Sirius nods, avoiding her gaze.

“-then it’s perfectly normal for it to not be amazing.”

“It was boring.”

Mcgonagall watches him carefully, no judgement in her eyes.

Sirius takes a deep breath, then whispers, “Why am I broken?”

“You’re not broken, Sirius. Why would you think that?”

“People have been talking about that sort of stuff for years. _ Years, _ Minnie. I always thought they were exaggerating, but then last night I just thought, why not? Everybody’s always talk about how amazing sex is, how  _ amazing _ orgasms are, but it was just, meh. I just got bored and stopped.” Sirius pulls a knee up to his chest.

“Everybody is different, Sirius.”

“But it’s not normal. I’m not normal. Normal people like wanking, they don’t find it boring. They don’t stop half way through. They don’t, they’re not me.”

She sighs gently, “You’re not broken, Sirius. Not everyone enjoys sexual activities.”

“But Remus, my romantic soulmate,” Sirius whispers, “he’ll want it. He’ll expect it of me. Won’t he? I thought maybe it would just take some time, maybe I’m not actually gay, it’s just Remus, and the, the arousal would come later. But now, now I’m just broken. Completely.”

“Just because you have a romantic soulmate doesn’t mean you have to have a romantic relationship with them.”

“But I’m in love with him.” Sirius whispers.

“Not every romantic relationship needs sex Sirius.”

“But he’ll want it.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. Want and need are different things though Sirius, he may want you more than he wants sex.”

“But what if he  _ doesn’t?” _

“Sirius-”

“Why would he give up something like that. If it’s as amazing for other people as they say why would he want to give it up for  _ me?  _ I’m not worth it.”

“Sirius.” Mcgonagall cuts in sharply, “Don’t talk about yourself like that. You are worth so much more than you think, your friends certainly think so. It’s rare to find friends like James and Remus, and yourself for them.”

“But they’ll find someone else. They’ll find someone else and I’ll be left alone, always wanting.”

“I don’t think you could get rid of them that easily. Your friends love you, and you love them, don’t you?”

“Yes. Of course. But it’s different. I love James. He’s my friend, but he’s so much more than that. He’s my brother too, he’s my family. Remus-” Sirius breaks off, “Remus is so much more in a different way. I don’t want him to just be my friend. It hurts so much to watch him with others, to think that he might fall in love with one of them one day, and leave me behind. I want him. I love him. I just- I don’t think I can have sex with him. I thought maybe I could, one day.” Sirius looks up at his professor,eyes pleading, “What do I do, Minnie?”

“Does he know?”

Sirius shakes his head, “I told him it was platonic.”

“I think you should talk to him, Sirius.”

Sirius shakes his head frantically, “No. No no no.”

Mcgonagall sighs, “Well I can’t force you.”

“But what do I do, Minnie?”

She looks at him, eyes soft “I can’t solve this for you, Sirius.”

Sirius sighs, resting his chin on his knee. They stay there for a while, Sirius thinking, Mcgonagall marking. Sirius is startled out of his thoughts when the door to the office bursts open. 

James yells frantically, “We can’t find,” he breaks off upon seeing Sirius, “Sirius.”

“We’ve been looking for you.” Peter says, coming into the room.

Remus trails behind, a faint smile playing across his face when he sees Sirius.

Mcgonagall watches them all in exasperation.

“Why were you looking for me?”

Remus glances at Mcgonagall, “You were gone when we woke up, and there were no pranks, we were worried.

“Did something happen-?” James breaks off eyes flickering to Sirius’ wrist.

Sirius looks down, avoiding everybody’s gaze. “No.”

“Wait. So why did you come see Minnie?” James glances at the professor who is watching their exchange closely, “You only come see her about soulmate things.”

“I had a question.” Sirius says, not correcting James’ statement.

“About what?”

Sirius shakes his head.

“You never tell us anything,” Peter snipes.

Sirius glares at him, “ I never tell you anything.”

“Sirius? Everything okay?” Remus breaks in, pulling his gaze away from Peter.

“Oh. Yes, yes, everything’s fine. Let’s go get breakfast.”

“Sirius?” James asks.

Sirius shakes his head, “Breakfast, Jamie.”

***

“Hey.” James whispers, sitting himself down at a table with Lily, Marlene, and Mary.

“Hey?” Lily asks, voice low.

“Sirius is pretty bummed though we’re not quite sure why,” James trails off, “So... slumber party this Friday? Our dorm? It’ll cheer Padfoot up.”

The girls exchange glances, “Sure, why not.” Marlene shrugs, answering for all of them.

“Great, so just come by after nine or so, me and Wormy are going to get supplies after dinner Friday while Moony distracts Pads.”

The girls nod their agreement, and James leaves before Sirius takes notice, though when James wanders over he is still napping, head in Remus’ lap.

***

“Alrighty lads, time for the fun to begin!” James announces walking into the room, arms full of snacks, Peter, Lily, Marlene, and Mary following behind him equally laden with drinks and snacks. James sets his load on the floor and hurries to the corner by his bed and groping blindly before finding the invisibility cloak and whisking it away to reveal even more snacks.

“Slumber party?” Sirius asks, eyes wide and hopeful from where he’s lying on Remus’ bed.

“Slumber party.” James confirms with a grin.

Sirius whoops and jumps up helping himself to a bottle of firewhiskey. He returns to Remus’ bed, propping himself against the wall and offering the bottle to Remus who takes a swig and settles next to Sirius.

“Okay so what’s the plan for this party, Prongs?”

“Uh? What do people usually do at a slumber party?” James asks, looking at Sirius then turning to the girls.

“Talk about attractive people, our soulmates, gossip.” Lily supplies.

“You talk about your soulmates?” Peter asks incredulously.

“Do you not?” Marlene says shocked.

Peter shakes his head, “No one ever wants to talk about it.”

“Well tonight we are! We’re all friends here! If you can’t trust your friends enough to talk about your soulmate what can you trust them for?” Marlene says with a wicked look at Lily, “I’ll even go first as a show of good faith.”

“Marls, no. No no. I don’t want to do this!”

“I second that statement.” James agrees.

“Me too.” Sirius adds quickly.

Marlene sighs, “Mary? Peter? Remus?”

Peter shrugs, “I haven’t gotten mine yet so.”

“I don’t mind, I don’t think they’re at Hogwarts anyways.” Mary says, pulling up her sleeve and revealing her soulmark.

“I don’t have-” Remus breaks off with gasp.

“Moony? You okay?”

Remus stares around wide eyed before slowing pulling up his shirt to reveal his changing mark, written across his ribcage.  _ I love you. _

“I guess I do have one of them?” Remus says, voice shaking slightly.

“Any idea who it might be?” Marlene asks with a wicked grin.

“Yeah.”

“ _ And?” _

“And what?”

“Who do you think it is? Come on, Rem!”

Remus shakes his head, “I don’t want to say anything, it’s not fair to him to tell you lot first. And what if it’s not him? You’ll never let me live it down.”

“ _ Him? _ Not straight huh, Rem?”

“Oh. Uh, no. No, I’m gay.”

“Yes! Join the club, Re!” Mary whoops excitedly. Remus grins at her, pulling his sleeve back down.

“What club is this?” James asks.

“The Not-Straight club of course.” Mary grins.

“Can I join?” Peter asks shyly.

Lily smiles, “It’s not a real club, Pete, it’s just Mary’s way of telling Re that he’s not alone. And you?”

Peter nods in agreement but doesn’t expand.

Sirius takes a swig of firewhiskey, “Who else is in this Not-Straight club?”

“I am.” Marlene says, stuffing a chocolate into her mouth, “I’m aro. Aromantic. It means I don’t feel romantic attraction, I don’t have any desire for a romantic relationship. Except with this chocolate.” she stuffs another piece into her mouth.

Sirius lets out a surprised laugh, “Does that come in an anti-sex version?”

Marlene grins, “Yes, it’s called asexual, though not all aces are anti-sex.”

“So what’s asexual mean?”

“It’s just a lack of sexual attraction.”

“Oh.” Sirius locks eyes with Marlene, “I think that’s me.” She smiles at him, and he quickly drops his eyes, avoiding everybody else’s gaze.

“While I’m educating people, I would just like to add that you can still have romantic relationships while being ace, if you want.”

Sirius lets out a harsh laugh, “Yeah? With who?”

“I think you might be surprised, Siri.”

“Yeah, right.” he scoffs, “Let’s talk about something else. James, show us your soulmark.’

“What? Oh no. No no no.”

“Yes yes!” Mary nods, “And then Lily will show hers off too.”

James pales, while Lily shakes her head. Remus shares a look with Marlene, and nudges Sirius nodding at James. Marlene gets Mary’s attention and, as one, the girls pounce on Lily, and the boys on James. One person holding each of them down while the other bares their marks.

Peter gets up to stand over them, “James Potter, Lily Evans. Oh good, you to can stop freaking out now.”

James and Lily both freeze, James snaps out of it first, shoving his friends away.  “I’m sorry, Lily, I know you just barely tolerate me. I didn’t want to force it on you. I’m sorry.” James runs his hands through his hair tugging gently.

“I don’t tolerate you, James.” Lily says quietly.

“Okay, right. Sorry. Hate me then. Look I didn’t mean for this to happen. I’d change it if I could, I don’t want you to have the name of someone you hate on your arm. I’m sorry. You can go now, if you want. Or better yet, I’ll leave and Sirius can continue his slumber party.”

“I don’t hate you, James.” Lily says, voice small but indignant.

“It wasn’t supposed to happen like this, I was going to prove to you that I-”

“Prongs!” Remus yells.

“What?” James whirls on him, eyes wide, hair in more disarray than usual.

“It’s going to be okay mate.”

“You can’t-”

“Solemnly swear.”

James stares at him for a moment before slowly turning to look at Lily.

“Lils?”

“ _ Yes,  _ James.”

James sighs in relief, a small smile decorating his face, it grows when Lily gives a tentative smile of her own. He flops down onto the floor near the pile of snacks and smiles soppily at the ceiling.

“Mar?” Sirius asks, “You said you would show us your mark.” He pulls Remus back onto the bed so they’re cuddling. 

Marlene sits on the floor next to Lily, leaning into her shoulder, “You think you get to see it, Si? Everybody else has shown theirs except you and now you want to see mine as well?” 

Sirius nods unashamedly and Marlene sighs. She pulls up her sleeve to reveal  _ Lily Evans _ written in neat script. 

“It’s platonic of course, so no need to worry James. So, Si, you going to show us yours?”

“I can just tell you who it is?”

“No. I want to see it. Make sure you’re telling the truth.”

“I would!”

“Show us, Si!”

“Later.” He misses the hurt that flashes across Remus’ face. 

“Sirius Black.”

“Two days? I’ll show you in two days. Promise.” Sirius lies, he doesn’t ever want to look at it again.

“Why two days?”

“I need to sike myself up. I don’t like looking at it.” Sirius says. Remus sits up, pulling himself away from Sirius, and going to sit on the floor next to James, reaching for the pile of snacks.

Marlene narrows her eyes, “Solemnly swear it.”

“That’s not how the solemnly swear works, Marlene!” James announces from the floor.

“Why not?”

“Cause you’re not a marauder!”

“Am I a marauder?” Lily asks sweetly. James splutters.

“No.” Sirius, Remus, and Peter call, with varying degrees of intensity.

Lily huffs, “Rude.”

***

“Sirius!” Marlene yells as she busts open the door to the boys’ room, Mary and Lily following after her.

Sirius lifts his head off Remus’ shoulder to glare at her sleepily, “What do you want Marls?”

“It’s been two days, let’s see your mark.”

“No.” Sirius drops his head back onto Remus’ shoulder.

“You promised!”

“I lied.”

“Why won’t you show us?”

“I don’t want to.”

“That’s not good enough.”

“That’s all your getting.”

“Sirius.”

“I’ll tell you who it is but I’m not showing you the mark.”

“Why? Is it something embarrassing?”

“No it just says his name.”

“Then why don’t you want to show us?”

Sirius stays silent, burying his face into Remus’ shoulder and into the soft material of Sirius’ jumper that he’s wearing.

Marlene sighs, “Fine. Who is it.”

Sirius lifts his hand and prods Remus in the chest.

“Remus? Remus is your soulmate?”

Sirius hums in confirmation keeping his face in Remus’ shoulder.

“That’s disappointing.”

Sirius sits up sharply, “Why?”

“Woah,” Marlene holds her hands up in surrender, “I just thought it was going to be something juicy cause you wouldn’t show us. Ooh! It is isn’t it? It says love muffin or something?”

Sirius frowns at her and lays back down on the bed, head resting on Remus’ chest “Go away, we were napping.”

“Is it romantic?”

“No.”

“Why’re you sleeping together?”

Sirius groans, “You never sleep with your friends?”

“Well yeah but-”

“You never say anything when I cuddle with James.”

“Yeah but-”

“Go away.”

“I-”

“Marlene,” Remus sighs.

“Fine.” She whirls and stalks out of the room, Mary and Lily following silently after her.

“Pads?” Remus asks once the door closes behind them and he hears the footsteps retreat.

“Moony, please. I don’t want to talk about it. I know you deserve answers but I can’t. Not right now.”

“Okay.” Remus takes a deep breath and exhales softly, moving his hand to Sirius’ head and running his fingers through his hair.

“You’re the best, Moony.” Sirius mumbles as he drifts back into sleep.

  
  



	8. Seventh Year

Sirius sits watching as Remus’ transformation starts, he whines wanting to go comfort him but Remus had told him to stay back and Sirius always listens in the shrieking shack for fear Remus would send him away. The transformation finishes and Remus turns to look at Sirius and James. Sirius stays still, watching Remus, everyday was different and now that he’d been alone for two moons over the summer, after ten months with company he wasn’t sure what mood Remus would be in. They had tried to get to Remus for the full moon over the summer but they weren’t able to find him, and his parents were too watchful, but Remus lets out a joyful little howl and pounces. A playful mood then. Sirius drops into a crouch growling playfully. They roll across the floor wrestling, Remus leaving a few scratches across Sirius but he doesn’t mind, better him than Remus. Remus didn’t mean to either, he is just like an excited puppy, he’d gone so long without company.

They wrestle until Sirius is panting for breath and then James butts in, taking over and play fighting with Remus. Sirius flops onto his side panting happily and watching the other two play. Werewolf Remus has so much energy, borrowing from future human Remus. When James tires out, Remus wanders off exploring the house to see if anything has changed. He howls from an upstairs room and Sirius and James join in. To werewolf Remus, it meant pack, it meant friends, and it meant he didn’t try to eat James.

Sirius gives a joyful yip as they finish howling and the night continues in a montage of playing, wandering, and howling. 

Towards the end of the night they finally manage to tire Remus out and him and Sirius curl up on the bed together, James lying peacefully on the floor beside them. Sirius falls asleep and doesn’t wake when Remus returns to his human form. James turns back into his human form as well and goes to the door to let Peter in while Sirius sleeps on.

Remus looks over at him curiously, “What’s up with him?”

James grins tiredly, “Your werewolf was very playful tonight, and he always wants to play with Sirius, I’m just a substitute when Sirius falls over in exhaustion.”

Remus looks down guiltily.

“No. No don’t do that, Re. Sirius loves playing with your werewolf. He catches his breath and jumps right back into playing with you, pushes me away. Don’t feel guilty.”

Sirius wakes with a snort, eyes landing on his human shaped friends, he transforms quickly.

“Sorry! I’m sorry! I didn’t realize, I’m sorry! I’ll do better next time!” Sirius panics.

Remus frowns, “What are you on about?”

“I know I’m not supposed to be near you when you change. I’m really sorry, Re, I didn’t mean to fall asleep. Please.”

“Sirius. Shh, your fine. It’s okay. James told me what happened.”

Sirius sags in relief, “Yeah?” He grins, “Your werewolf was happy last night, just wanted to play, I think he missed us.”

Remus looks down, “I’m sorry you didn’t get any rest.”

“Hey, no. Re, don’t. I love playing with him. Besides it’s better than having to howl all night.”

James groans and Remus looks at him curiously, eyebrows raised in question.

“Do you know how hard it is to howl as a  _ deer? _ They’re really not made for it.”

Remus laughs, “Why’re you howling?”

James looks at him, “Howling equals pack for him. He gets suspicious if I don’t.”

Remus looks down, guilty again.

James sighs, “It’s fine, Rem. You gotta stop-“

“What’s that?” Remus interrupts looking at Sirius’ shirt.

“What’s what?” Sirius looked down seeing his black shirt, some parts darker than others.

“Is that-“ Remus reaches out tentatively and touches one of the darker spots, Sirius winces. Remus jerks his hand back before reaching forwards again this time for the bottom of Sirius’ shirt, intent on lifting it.

“Re, don’t” Sirius warns moving away. “I’m fine.” He winces again as he twists trying to avoid Remus’ searching hands.

“You’re not fine! I hurt you.” His voice cracks, and he stops trying to get to Sirius.

“I’m fi-“ Sirius breaks off, head swiveling to the tunnel, “shit, where’s the cloak? Pomfrey’s coming!”

“We won’t all fit!” Peter says panicked.

“Change!” Sirius hisses, finding the cloak and pulling it over him and James, “c’mon Wormy, get under here!” Sirius sticks his foot out so Wormtail can find them, they shuffle back, away from the bed and into a corner out of the way. They stand still, breathing silently for a couple seconds before Pomfrey comes through the door.

“How’re you feeling, Mr. Lupin?”

Renus shakes himself, “Just tired.”

“No new scratches?”

Remus shakes his head, “Not on me.” He glances darkly at the corner where his friends are standing.

Pomfrey follows his gaze, “Yes, well, better the floor than yourself. C’mon let’s get you back to the castle.”

Remus follows her out, with one last glance at the seemingly empty corner.

The other three boys wait quietly for a minute before they dare move. 

Sirius shifts into Padfoot for a moment to examine the tunnel, “Okay, they’re at the end, let’s go.”

Peter stays a rat as they make their way out of the tunnel, Sirius changes back into his canine form for the tunnel with James grumbling as he follows along on his hands and knees. They manage to make it back to their dorm without being seen and Sirius flops onto his bed with a sigh of relief, Peter goes into the bathroom to get ready for the day. 

“Nap time?” He asks hopefully.

James shakes his head, “Shirt off.”

“James, you know I don’t swing that way.” Sirius smirks, then looks down as his blank wrist twinges.  **_James Potter_ ** .

“Look Prongs! We’re soulmates!” Sirius jumps up, grabs James’ face between his hands and kisses him full on the mouth. James kisses him back for a moment before shoving him away laughing. Sirius glances down at his wrist again.  **_Prongs_ ** . Sirius falls back onto the bed laughing, holding his arm out for James to see.

James glares, “Shirt off.” Sirius continues to laugh as he pulls his shirt off. His laughter fades as James studies his scratches.

“You’re lucky these don’t scar or Remus wouldn’t go near you ever again.”

“I know.” Sirius whispers, “But what would you have me do, James?”

“This.” James says gently, “We’re just lucky. It’s bad tonight.” He surveys the damage to Sirius’ chest and back, there are scratches all along his rib cage and across his shoulder, most are faint but there are a couple of deep ones. 

“I think he was lonely over the summer, we’ll have to try harder next year.” James hums in agreement. 

“Don’t change in front of Rem for a couple of days and we should be good.” James starts on the spells, running his wand along the scratches covering Sirius. “Are there any on your legs?”  he asks when he was finished with his chest. 

Sirius shrugs and pulls his pants off so he is only in his boxers. James heals the few scratches that are on his legs.

“Do you have any?” Sirius asks when he finishes.

James nods, “Just one on my shoulder,” he turns and pulls his shirt off but he freezes looking at the door, arms tangled in his shirt.

Sirius glances over and freezes too. Remus is standing there staring at them in horror.

“How long have you been there?” James asks quietly, moving to stand in front of Sirius and his slowly healing scratches. 

“Long enough,” He pushes James out of the way and starts towards Sirius, eyes raking over his bloody body.

“Re-”

“Don’t. Don’t lie to me.” Remus says, voice full of pain.

Sirius sighs, “Let me tend to James first.” Sirius walks over to where James is still standing with his shirt tangled in his arms, Sirius gently turns him around and mutters the healing spell before turning back to Remus. “Why’re you back so early?”

“I didn’t have any scratches, so they sent me back to rest here.” Remus’ eyes are locked onto James’ healing shoulder.

“Remus.” Sirius says gently, moving slowly over to him and resting a hand on his shoulder, “I know you don’t want to hurt us and you don’t. No, listen.” Sirius speaks up as Remus opens his mouth to talk, “These are temporary, the spell we found heals them without scarring. It only works for wounds that we get in our animagus form. And-  _ and _ ” Sirius interrupts Remus before he can start talking, “Moony didn’t mean to do it. We were just playing, Remus. His claws are sharp, you know that. I’m pretty sure I scratched you too, you just have crazy werewolf healing so you don’t notice.”

“Really, Sirius? How can you say that? You’re covered in scratches! In  _ blood _ . You can’t truly tell me you aren’t hurt.”

“I’m not trying to,” Sirius says softly, “I  _ am  _ telling you that they’re temporary, they’ll be gone by tonight.  _ And  _ I’m telling you not to feel guilty because Moony didn’t mean to.”

“Sirius,” Remus tries again.

“Solemnly swear, Re. Moony was just playing.”

Remus slumps, all the fight going out of him, “Woah,” Sirius quickly closes the small distance between them and catches Remus, “Let’s get you into bed.” With James’ help they get Remus onto bed, and under the blankets.

“Did you eat?” Sirius asks.

Remus nods sleepily, eyes fluttering shut.

“Okay. I’ll bring you some lunch later.”

“Mm.” 

***

“Remus!” Lily calls running excitedly down the stairs into the common room.

“Hey, Lils.” Remus smiles, closing his book.

She sits on the couch beside him bouncing excitedly, “Guess what, Rem? I got my second soulmark!” she whisper shouts.

“Lily, that’s awesome! I take it you know them then?”

“Yeah it’s- hey what’s that?” she asks pointing at his arm.

“What? Nothing.” he pulls his sleeve down trying to hide his mark.

“It’s not nothing. Let me see!” she wrenches his sleeve up to see  **_James Potter_ ** written in elegant script across his wrist, “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks quietly.

Remus shrugs looking away, absently scratching at his other wrist. Lily narrows her eyes and reaches out to wrench that sleeve up too. Remus stops her, eyes panicked, “Not here!”

“Remus?” Lily asks.

“Come on, let’s-” Remus says pulling her off the couch and through the portrait hole. He stops when he finds an empty classroom, once they’re safely inside he locks the door using Sirius’ locking spell. He sinks down to sit against the wall.

“Okay, Rem, talk to me. What’s going on?” She asks sitting in front of him.

Remus wordlessly pulls up his other sleeve revealing, **_Sirius Black_** on his other wrist. Lily look at it for a moment, turning to Remus confused. 

“Isn’t that good? He’s one of your best friends, what’s wrong with being matched to him?”

“I also have this.” Remus says dully, pulling up his sleeve even further to reveal his changing mark.

“Okay? I still don’t see what’s wrong?”

“Well this,” he pokes the changing mark, “is James’ or Sirius’, but I’m not James soulmate, and I’m only platonic to Siri.”

“How do you know you’re not James’? Doesn’t he only have one?”

“Yes, but the other is Sirius.”

“You can’t know that.’

“You wanna bet?”

Lily rolls her eyes, “Have you talked to him? To either of them?”

Remus shakes his head frantically, “They kissed you know.”

“Who did?”

“Sirius and James, when Sirius’ mark came in. ‘Look Prongs, we’re soulmates.’ and then he kissed him. He wears Prongs so proudly on his arm, but he’s always covering mine, even when he’s surrounded by people who know what it says or when he’s sleeping at night.”

“Oh, Rem.”

“Remus!” Sirius bursts through the previously locked door, “Are you okay?”

Remus rubs at his eyes, surprised to find them wet, “I’m fine, Pads, what do you need?”

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Padfoot!” James yells exasperated as he walks through the door, he looks at Lily and Remus sitting on the floor. “What did you tell him?”

Sirius shakes his head.

“How did you find us?”

Sirius glances at Lily, “Marauder’s intuition?”

Remus frowns, “I have it.”

Sirius pales but he’s saved when Lily asks, “Only one of you can have intuition?”

James sighs, “Fancy name for a tracking spell Evans.”

“Sure.”

“So, Lily, I hear you got your second mark. Let’s see it then.” James walks closer so he can see her arm, Sirius trailing behind. Lily shoots a look at Remus and pulls up her sleeve.  **_Marlene Mckinnon._ **

“Oh.” Remus says softly, looking down. All his friends have matching soulmarks then, except for Sirius although Remus was still planning on being his friend so it didn’t really count. “I’m glad it’s a match.”

“Rem?” Lily whispers, leaning closer trying to get him to look at her. 

James glances between them, his eyes settling on Remus’ exposed wrists, “When did you get those?”

“They both came in a few weeks ago.”

“Rem! Why didn’t you tell us?”

Remus shrugs still avoiding everyone’s gaze, “Two platonic? And an unrequited?”

“Who says it’s unrequited?” James cuts in.

Remus stares at him for a moment before continuing as if he’d never spoken. “Not exactly exciting news. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to have you both, I just needed some time.”

“They can’t both be platonic, you have the changing mark.” Sirius says indignantly.

Remus looks up at him, “So who’s the romantic then, Pads?”

Sirius stares at him speechless and Remus sighs looking down again, “Even if one of you is meant to be my romantic soulmate, they’re both platonic relationships so it doesn’t really matter. Anyway, I think I’m going to go, I’ll see you later.” They watch as he walks out of the room, head low. 

Sirius moves to follow him but Lily whirls on him, wand out. She uses it first to close and lock the door, before pointing it at Sirius.

“Sirius Bl-” she cuts herself off, blinks once, “Sirius Padfoot Potter. I have some questions for you.” 

He blinks once at the name, smiling slightly though it drops off quickly.

“Prongs is on proud display on your arm.”

Sirius glances at his arm, “That wasn’t a question.”

“Remus is not.”

“I-”

“Why are you here?”

“What do you mean? I wanted to make sure Remus was alright!”

“How did you know something was even wrong to begin with.”

Sirius glances away, looking at James.

“You have a changing soulmark for Remus don’t you.”

“I-”

“Padfoot?” James asks quietly, Sirius looks at him, eyes pleading.

“I don’t know how to handle it okay? It’s not fair to Remus, having me on his arm. He deserves someone whole.”

Lily drops her arm and the wand pointed at Sirius, “What do you mean?” She asks softly, anger gone.

“I can’t, won’t, have sex with him. He deserves someone who can love him wholly.”

“And you don’t?”

“ _ Lily _ .” Sirius groans, running his hands through his hair, “It doesn’t matter how much I love him! I’m never going to have sex with him.”

“It’s not about  _ sex, _ Sirius.”

“But how do you know? You don’t.” Sirius yells, his voice cracking on the last word, he whispers the next part,  “You don’t know that Moony would be okay with that.”

“So you’re not even going to try?”

“Why? Just to have my heartbroken? “

“You don’t know that, Sirius.”

“What do you want me to do? Say I ask him out and he says yes, and then it’s good for awhile but eventually he wants sex, and then we fight and it gets ugly and then we never speak to each other again. And then you two will try to comfort us both, and Remus will get over it faster than me cause he’ll have some rebound sex, and I’ll still be wallowing and eventually you’ll get sick of me and I’ll lose you too! So he says yes and I lose everything. Or we can just stay friends how we are now, and I won’t lose anything.” Sirius is crying at the end, and he wipes his tears away angrily.

“Pads,” James whispers pulling him into a hug, “you don’t know that it will happen like that.”

“You don’t know that it won’t.” Sirius mumbles into his shoulder.

“Pads-”

“Can you swear it, James?”

James sighs and doesn’t answer.

“Why not just do it?” Lily asks.

“I can’t Lils, swearing it only works if we’re always truthful about it. It’s only used for things that are one hundred percent.” They’re quiet for a moment.

“It’s not worth it to date Remus.” Sirius mumbles, “I don’t want to date Remus. Everything is perfect right now. Or it was.”

“Sirius?” Lily asks gently, “Can I ask you something?”

Sirius nods against James’ shoulder, turning his head to look at Lily.

“Why do you keep Remus’ mark covered?”

Sirius turns his face back into James neck to mumble his reply, “It’s the reason my parents hate me. I can’t look at his name on my arm as it was when I got it.”

“What?” Lily gasps.

“A half-blood boy as my soulmate? My parents weren’t happy. They were quite loving before that, I have a few happy memories from before.”

“Oh, Siri.” she pauses, “Wait. Why hasn’t it changed to Moony or something like James’ did?”

“It might’ve. I haven’t looked at it since I showed it to him.”

“Why don’t we look now?”

Sirius shakes his head, “I can’t.”

“How about I look and I’ll tell you if it’s changed?”

“Okay.” Sirius holds his arm out for her, keeping his face in James’ neck. He feels Lily pull the cuff and a moment later-

“It says Moony.”

Sirius pulls away from James to look down at his wrist. Grinning he vanishes the cuff from Lily’s hands.

Remus walks back into the door, Sirius freezes, “How much did you-?”

“Just the part about your mark,” Remus answers quietly, “I just wanted to tell you that I understand now, and I’m sorry I didn’t before.”

Sirius walks over, pulling Remus into a hug. They break apart and Remus traces his soulmark on Sirius’ arm. “No, Moony, you don’t have to be sorry, I didn’t tell you.  _ I’m  _ sorry for that.”

James laughs. Everybody turns to look at him. 

“Prongs?”

“Sorry. That was bad timing, but I got my second soulmark!” He grins and shows off his arm.

**_Sirius Padfoot Potter_ **

***

“Professor?” Remus says hesitantly, standing outside the door to Mcgonagall’s office.

“Yes Remus? Can I help you?”

“I was wondering if I could talk to you about my soulmate?”

“Of course. Was there something specific?”

Remus walks in, shutting the door and putting up a silencing spell, “I don’t know if you’ve talked to Sirius about it but we’re romantic soulmates. But he doesn’t want to have a relationship with me. He has his reasons, but I don’t know what to do. I’m so, so in love with him and I don’t-” he breaks off.

“Don’t know how to handle it?” Mcgonagall suggests quietly when Remus stays silent. He nods, staring intently at her desk.

“I don’t have the answers, as much as you boys wish I did.” Remus looks up at her and she continues, “But I do suggest that you figure out what you want, and talk to Sirius about the boundaries of your relationship. I don’t want either of you to get hurt because of a misunderstanding.”

“We don’t have a relationship.”

“A friendship is a relationship.”

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be more help, Remus.”

Remus jerks his head in a slight nod as he leaves the room, removing the spell as he goes.

***

“Moony?” Sirius whispers, hunched over beside Remus’ bed. He had tried to go back to sleep but he  _ couldn’t.  _ The nightmares have gotten to him, and he needs someone to hold him or he won’t sleep for the rest of the night.

“Mm?” Comes a soft noise from under the heap of blankets.

“Nightmare, Moons, can I sleep here?”

“Mm.” is the reply, and Remus shifts over an inch. Sirius smiles and crawls under the blankets cuddling up to Remus. Sirius feels his heartbeat slow as he buries his nose in Remus’ neck, breathing in the scent of him. He falls asleep with a smile on his face, Remus’ arm around his back.

He wakes up laying on his back, Moony pressed up against his side with his arm thrown across Sirius’ stomach, breathing in Sirius’ ear.

James rips the hanging back from Remus’ bed, “Moony! Siri is-” He breaks off a he registers what he was seeing, “in your bed. Okay. Good. What happened to platonic?”

“Mmm,” Remus groans, rolling slightly away from Sirius, “you sleep w’ Padf’ all time,” he mumbles still half asleep.

James splutters causing Sirius to smirk. 

“Told you.” Comes a mumble from Peter’s bed. James huffs and retreats, leaving the hangings open.

Sirius sighs and sits up rubbing his eyes, “It better be time for breakfast, Prongs!”

“Yeah, yeah. Ten minutes.”

***

“I have something I need to tell you.” Remus says somberly, looking between his friends. The other three marauders exchange glances nervously. 

“Well what is it? Come on Moony, you’re making us nervous. It can’t be that bad can it?” Sirius prompts after a moment of silence.

Remus sighs and looks away.

“What brought this on? I thought this was just a normal Tuesday? You haven’t been acting any differently.” James says.

Remus glances at his friends, biting his lip and turning away. “Well, I decided to tell you now since the past full moon was our last at the school.”

The boys frown, “Is this something to do with you being a werewolf?” Peter asks confused.

“Sort of,” Remus hedges, “You know how you’ve been taking notes for me in classes when I’ve been ‘sick’?”

“Yeah?” James says suspiciously.

“Are you trying to tell me I took bad notes?” Sirius gasps.

Remus lets out a little laugh, “No, no. You’re notes were wonderful Pads, it’s just, you didn’t have to do them at all.”

“What?” Peter asks.

“Mcgonagall got me notes for all the classes I missed, she knew about my condition you know.” Remus fights back a smirk.

“How long?”

Remus regains control of his facial expressions and gives Sirius an innocent look, “How long what?”

“How long have she been collecting notes for you?”

“First full moon of first year?”

“You let me  _ unnecessarily _ take notes for you for  _ seven years?” _ Sirius asks incredulously, face twitching.

Remus looks away from him before glancing back and bursting out laughing.

“You rotten little-” Sirius breaks off, changing into his canine form and tackling Remus to the ground. He growls as Remus squirms under him still laughing. James and Peter look on, caught halfway between shock and amusement.

There’s a creak on the stairs that has Sirius changing back, the door opening before he has a chance to move off of Remus. 

“What’s going on in here? I thought I heard growling.” Lily eyes Sirius who is still on his hands and knees over the laughing Remus.

“Sirius does growl very convincingly,” James snickers.

Sirius glares at them as he rolls off of Remus, he kicks him as he moves away, causing the boy to start another round of laughing.

“Right. So anyway,” Lily says tearing her gaze away to look at James, “Can I speak with you for a moment. Alone?”

Remus stops laughing just long enough to “Oooh.” with Sirius and Peter as James and Lily leave the room.

“I hate you.” Sirius huffs, crossing his arms and avoiding looking at Remus, though that just sends him into yet another fit of laughter. 

  
  



	9. After Hogwarts

“Sirius, what is this?” Remus asks tiredly as he walks into their flat.

“What’s what, Moony? I just see you.”

Remus pulls up his shirt, showing off his ribcage and changing soulmark, **_Werewolf McWerewolf._ **

“Shit. Forgot you could see that.”

Remus frowns at him, “You’re lucky it’s hidden. What’s this about anyway? It’s been on my ribs for _days_.”

Sirius smirks, “I was doing an experiment.”

“Oh?” Remus asks warily.

Sirius’ smirk stretches into a grin and he proudly shows off his left arm, the arm that _should_ say ‘Moony’. Instead it reads “Werewolf McWerewolf”.

“Why.” Remus deadpans.

“I wanted to see if I could!”

“What’s Prongs’ say?”

“I haven’t decided on something yet. Help me?”

Remus stays silent for a moment thinking, “How about one of those names Lily is always calling him? Rudolph? Vixen? Blitzen?”

“Oh yes! From the muggle Christmas! Rudolph, I think. He’s the one that gets made fun of for having a red nose right?”

Remus nods.

“Okay so we can only call Rudolph, Rudolph from now until it changes. Unless he’s around cause I don’t want him to know. It’ll be a lovely surprise.”

***

“Moony?” Sirius asks as he plops down on their couch. Remus hums in response but doesn’t look up from his book.

“Moony,” Sirius tries again, “Why don’t you date?”

That gets his attention and Remus carefully closes his book, setting it on the end table beside the couch, turning to face Sirius.

“What do you mean?”

Sirius huffs, “It’s not a complicated question, Moony. I’ve never seen you go on a date.”

Remus sighs, “I don’t know, Siri. I’ve never felt the urge. I’m content with my life.”

“Content? Don’t you want to be happy though? There’s more to life than being content, Re.”

“Of course I want to be happy, and I am.”

“You just told me you were ‘content’.”

Remus shrugs, “Happy, content, is there really much of a difference? Besides, I don’t think dating people would make my life better.”

Sirius narrows his eyes, “So there’s nothing you would change if you could?”

“Of course there’s some things I would change, Siri. Where are you going with this?”

“What would you change?”

“Sirius.”

“What would you change?”

“I feel like you’re not the best friend you claim to be if you can’t even think of one example. I may have to revoke your friendship privileges.”

Sirius’ eyes widen, “What- I don’t-”

“I’m a fucking werewolf, Sirius.”

“Oh. Right. I thought maybe- nevermind Anything else you would change?”

Remus sighs, “Are you happy, Pads?”

Sirius scoffs, “Of course.”

“You wouldn’t change anything?”

“Nope.”

“Nothing at all.”

“Nothing that comes to mind.”

“Not even my love life?”

“I- well, I didn’t say I wanted you to change, I just was wondering why you didn’t date?”

Remus shrugs, staring at Sirius intently.

“What?” Sirius asks, shifting uncomfortably under his gaze.

“I’m just trying to figure out what’s going through your head is all.”

“I just want you to be happy, you’re my soulmate and best friend.”

“I am happy, Pads.”

“That’s not what you said though,” Sirius argues.

Remus sighs, “What’s it going to take to make you drop it?”

“Go on a date.”

“With who?”

“I’ll find you somebody!” Sirius says excitedly.

Remus scrubs his hands over his face with a sigh, “Fine. One date, and then you drop it.”

“Deal.”

“Sirius.”

“Solemnly swear, if you go on this date, I’ll never bring it up again.”

***

“It’s because of me, isn’t it?”

“What are you on about now?” Remus asks, poking his head out of the kitchen to look at where Sirius is laying dejected on the couch.

“You don’t date because of me? Because no one wants to date someone who lives with their romantic soulmate even though the relationship is platonic?”

“Was that your opening line? ‘I’m looking for someone to date my romantic soulmate?’” Remus wanders further into the sitting room and stands beside the couch looking down at Sirius. Sirius stares back.

“Maybe.”

Remus grins, “You’re hopeless. Did you really think that would work?”

“I don’t know, I wanted to be honest with them so it wouldn’t be awkward for you later. Don’t avoid the question.”

“Which question is that?”

“Am I the reason you don’t date?”

“I don’t date because I don’t want to. I feel no need to.”

Sirius chews on his lip for a minute, watching his friend, “But is it because of me? My name on your arm? My thoughts?”

“No, it’s not because we’re soulmates.”

“But is it because of me?” Sirius whispers. Remus was dancing around his words, never giving a direct answer and Sirius needed one. He so badly needed one.

Remus paces away from the couch, he turns and looks back, opens his mouth, closes it. He turns away again and runs his hands through his hair. Sirius watches as he tugs on it a few times before he comes back and collapses into the armchair that is sitting at an angle to the couch. Sirius sits up as a slew of emotions pass over Remus’ face until finally Remus slumps even further into his chair, head in his hands, elbows on his knees.

“You want the truth?” The words come out slightly muffled as Remus doesn’t lift his head.

“Yes.” Sirius braces himself for his friend to tell him that he’s holding him back, that he’s ruining his life, that he’s-

Remus looks up, locking eyes with Sirius and cutting off his train of thought, “The truth, Sirius, is that yes, it’s because of you that I don’t date. Because I am in love with you, and I can’t imagine being with someone else.”

Sirius is already shaking his head, “No, I can’t. I won’t, I told you-”

“Sirius, please. Sirius, look at me,” Remus pleads, “I’m not asking you for anything,”

Sirius risks looking up at Remus, “Really?”

“Yes.”

“Can you swear it?”

“I solemnly swear that I am happy with the way things are between us.”

“Then why don’t you date?”

“I don’t want to, Sirius. Maybe one day, but right now I don’t want to date anybody except you, and you don’t want that, which is _fine_ , and so I don’t date.”

“So you’re just waiting then? For...what? For me to break down and agree to date you because I want something and you hold it above my head?”

Remus tilts his head and stares at Sirius, “Of course not. I’m not waiting, Siri, I’m just… happy right now. Maybe that’ll change one day, and I’ll start dating but that’s not right now.”

“So you’d be doing the same thing if I told you you never had a chance.”

“I already know I don’t, Pads. In seventh year when you found out about my mark, I heard you say that it wasn’t worth it to date me, that you didn’t want to.”

Sirius’ eyes widen, “What else did you hear?”

“That’s it.” Sirius raises his eyebrows and Remus continues, “Solemnly swear, I didn’t hear more than that.”

“So you didn’t hear why I said it wasn’t worth it?”

“No. It’s fine, Sirius, you don’t need to explain yourself to me. In fact I’d probably rather you didn’t.”

“Why not?”

Sirius watches as Remus closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, “Really, Pads? You think I want to hear about why you don’t like me like that?”

“But I do.” Remus’ eyes stay closed.

“I’m going to go to my room now. Good night.” Remus stands, opens his eyes and makes his way to his bedroom without looking at Sirius.

“Moony?” Sirius calls. “... I fucked up.” he says to himself when he gets no response from Remus. Sirius sighs and makes his way to his room. He finds his small handheld mirror, and says, “James Potter.”

“Hey, Padfoot.”

“I fucked up, James.”

James raises his eyebrows in the mirror, “What did you do?”

“Okay so I was trying to get Moony a date-”

“Why.”

“Shush, I was trying to get Moony a date and it wasn’t going well, cause romantic soulmate, and yeah so I asked him if I was the reason he didn’t date and he said yes! Because he’s in love with me, but he swore he didn’t want anything from me, and then he said he heard me in seventh when I said a relationship with him wasn’t worth it, but that’s all he heard, and then he said that he didn’t want me to explain what I meant because he didn’t want to hear why I didn’t like him like that, and I said that I do and then he went and locked himself in his room and he won’t talk to me.”

“Breathe, Pads.”

“I fucked up, Prongs. I fucked up so bad.”

James shakes his head, rubbing at his eyes and knocking his glasses askew. He fixes his glasses as he looks at Sirius, “How are you going to fix it?”

“I don’t know! Can’t I just ignore it until it gets better?”

“No.”

“But, Prongs!”’

“Moony deserves better and you know it.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“You’re going to apologize and explain yourself and then never saying anything like that again unless you’re asking him out.”

“What if he hates me?”

“I don’t think he’s going to hate you, Pads.”

“But what if he does?”

“Then-”

“And I never get a chance to date him?”

James pauses and stares at him for a moment, “I thought you didn’t want to date him?”

“I do, I’m just scared!”

“Everybody’s scared, Pads.”

“Doesn’t make it any easier. What if it all goes wrong and we never speak again? I can’t lose him, Prongs.”

“So don’t. Fight for him, Sirius. He doesn’t want to lose you either.”

“I don’t know how.”

“You do. You’ve been fighting the world to be his friend since you met, now you just need to fight yourself for a chance at what you want.”

“I’m scared, Prongs.”

The corner of James’ mouth lifts up in a small smile, “I’m sure it’ll be worth it. Are you a Gryffindor or not?”

Sirius takes a deep breath and lets it out in a large sigh, “I can do this.”

“You can.”

“Okay but-”

“Bye, Sirius. Go win your man.”

“Wait! James, wait!”

“What?” James asks, drawing the word.

“What about-”

“I don’t know the answers, Padfoot. You’re going to have to talk to Moony. Actually talk to him. About everything that’s worrying you.”

“James?”

“Yes, Sirius?” James asks on a sigh.

“Thanks.”

James smiles, “Anytime, Pads. Now go! Stop stalling!” James disappears from the mirror, leaving Sirius to stare at himself.

“Right,” He mutters to himself, “right. I can do this. It’s Moony. Moony. We’ve been friends for forever. I can do this. I can talk to him. I’ve talked to Moony loads of times. I can-”

“Padfoot?” Remus’ voice breaks through Sirius personal pep talk.

“Moony?”

“Who are you talking to?”

“Nobody?”

“What do you need to talk to me about? I’d like to talk to you as well. Could you come out?”

“Uh, I’ll be out in a minute.” Sirius takes a deep breath as he listens to Remus walk away, “You can do this, Sirius.” he whispers to himself as he stands. He makes his way back into the living room to find Remus curled up in the armchair again, pillow clutched to his chest, feet on the chair and knees by his chin. He looks up as Sirius walks in and Sirius offers him a tentative smile as he sits in the middle of couch.

“Can I start?” Remus asks.

“Uh, yeah, go ahead.” Sirius shifts nervously

“So I’m going to assume that you didn’t mean to hurt me.”

“I didn't! Moony I swear-”

“I believe you.”

“Okay so then-”

“Pads.”

“Right sorry.”

“I’m not sure what’s going through your head right now, but I just want to make myself clear. I don’t want you to feel pressured or uncomfortable. I don’t want to date you. I’m happy with how we are and I don’t want anything to change, okay?”

Sirius stares at him, he waited too long. He waited too long and now Moony doesn’t want him. He just told him he loved him, and now it’s over. He’s moving on. He missed his chance. He was too afraid to lose him, and now he missed his chance and he’s losing him anyway.

“Padfoot?”

Sirius’ head snaps up to look at Remus, “Yeah?”

“You okay?”

“Yeah, course.”

Remus nods, “Okay. So what did you want to talk to me about?”

“Oh. Oh! I, just, that. Just that. The no dating thing. Yup. That, that works for me. Definitely. Exactly what I wanted.”

“What’s going on with you? You’re rambling. You never ramble.”

“What? Nothing.”

“Sirius.”

“Remus.”

“Can you take this-” Sirius perks up, Remus bites his lip, “I need you to be honest with me.”

Sirius sighs.

“Sirius.”

“You say my name a lot.”

“Sirius.”

“Like a lot.”

“ _Sirius_.”

“Why is that?”

“Padfoot!”

“What!”

“Can you be honest with me for a moment?”

“Yes.”

Remus narrows his eyes at him, but asks, “Is that actually what you want? You’re happy with the no dating thing?”

“What makes you think I wouldn’t be?”

“You rambled, Siri. You never ramble. What part of what I said made you uncomfortable?”

“Oh, um, nothing.”

Remus sighs, “Can you swear something for me? Anything. Just be honest with me for a moment. Just a small moment.”

Sirius looks at Remus, shifts in his seat, “What do you want me to swear?”

“Anything, Siri. Just swear anything.”

Sirius stares at him. He thinks about never having a chance with Moony, about never giving himself a chance. He thinks about Moony moving on, and being with someone else, of never knowing how he feels. And he thinks about how to tell him.

“Padfoot, please.”

Sirius shakes his head, “Sorry, I just-” Sirius runs a hand through his hair and takes a deep breath, “I solemnly swear, Remus, that I am in love with you, and I would love to date you, and I’m scared. Terrified, that you will leave me one day. I am. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t know what I’m comfortable doing, but I know that I’m in love with you, have been for years, and I don’t know what to do about it, and that I can solemnly swear.”

Remus is staring at Sirius, eyes wide, jaw slack, “but you- in seventh- talking to James, and and Lily. You said.”

“I said I didn’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose you and I was afraid that dating you would do that. That I would end up losing you, and James, and Lily. I would lose everything, and I was scared. You mean the world to me, Moony.”

“I- I don’t, what do we do now?”

Sirius shrugs, “I don’t know, nothing?”

“What do you mean nothing?”

“You just told me you didn’t want to date me, why would anything change?”

“I-”

“Did you lie to me, Moony?”

“Maybe.” Remus says, avoiding Sirius’ gaze.

“Wait, really!? Moony, you lied to me? You do want to date me? Moony? Please tell me you lied.”

Remus’ head snaps up, eyes wide, “I didn’t want you to feel pressured. I’m happy with the way we are.”

“But you… you want things to change?”

Remus shakes his head, “Nope, no changes. I’m very happy with everything exactly as it is.”

“Remus.”

“Sirius?”

“Swear something for me.”

“What does dating mean to you?”

“That’s not a swear.”

“Sirius, please.”

“Moony? Padfoot?” James yells, his voice echoing through the house. He grins when he walks into the room, “Oh good, you’re talking. How’s it going?”

“Good! Excellent.” Remus says, grin plastered on his face, at the same time that Sirius scowls and say, “It’s not.”

James sighs, “Great. So what have you discussed so far?”

“I told him I loved him, was in love with him, and wanted to date him, and that I was scared. After he told me that he didn’t want to date me, but then he was asking about changes, and I just…” Sirius trails off with a glance at Remus.

“Moony?”

“I don’t want him to be uncomfortable.” Remus mumbles.

“So you’re lying, gotcha. And, Sirius, why are you lying?”

“I’m not lying!” Sirius shouts, “Wait, Moony, are you lying? You didn’t say you weren’t lying. Why didn’t you say you weren’t lying? You still haven’t sworn anything to me. Why won’t you swear anything?”

Remus avoids Sirius’ gaze, and James sighs again, “It’s alright, I came prepared. You each are going to write out a list of everything you’ve ever wanted in a relationship, and don’t worry, you won’t be looking at each other’s, so you can be completely honest with yourselves. Think you can do that?”

They both nod, and James pulls his wand out with a flourish, summoning two pieces of parchment and some ink and quills.

“Okay, so just write whatever comes to mind. Anything you’ve ever imagined in a relationship, either with each other of other people. Nobody has to know.”

Sirius picks up a quill and begins writing immediately. Remus hesitates, looking to James who nods in encouragement. Remus takes a deep breath, takes the quill and starts writing, keeping his paper covered.

They write for about ten minutes, taking pauses to think. When they both finish and set down their quills, James speaks again, “Okay, and now, I want you to make another list beside the first one, with things you absolutely don’t want in a relationship.”

“What is the point of this?” Remus asks.

“A clear head.”

Remus nods, and starts writing again.

“This is stupid. How am I supposed to know?” Sirius asks, frustrated.

“It’s not meant to be an exhaustive list, Pads, just a starting point. Things you know, right now, that are off the table. So that you can look at it when you discuss a relationship with Remus, and not convince yourself that it would be fine to attempt something that you know you aren’t comfortable with.”

Sirius huffs, staring at his paper. He scribbles something every once in a while, glaring at the page.

Remus finishes first, and waits, staring silently at James. Eventually Sirius slams his quill onto the table, startling the other two, “I’m done.”

James claps his hands together, “Okay great! Accio!” The parchment flies towards James who catches them easily and begins looking them over.

Sirius and Remus stare at him in a panic, Remus finds his voice first, “You said nobody would see that!”

“No I said Padfoot wouldn’t see yours, and that you wouldn’t see his. I said nothing about me.”

“Jamie!”

James smirks, “Are you two going to talk about your relationship now, or should we continue to do this my way?” He rolls up the parchment as he talks.

Remus stares at him, “No. No, we’ll talk.”

“Great! I’m going to take these,” he waves the lists around, “to the kitchen and let you two talk in peace. Okay?”

Sirius nods stiffly, watches as James walks out of the room, “What’s on there that you didn’t want me to see, Moony?”

“I didn’t want anybody to see!”

“Why?”

“Are you happy he’s looking at your list?”

“Well, no.”

“He’s going to think I’m a terrible person.”

“What? Moony why? You could never be a terrible person.”

Remus looks at Sirius sadly, “Siri, I put sex on my list.”

“Okay.”

“What do you mean ‘okay’?”

“I kind of expected it to be on there, Re.”

“You’re not upset?”

Sirius shrugs, “No. Remus, no, as long as you’re not trying to have sex with me, I don’t care.”

Remus sighs letting his head hit the back of the couch.

“Re? Did you think I would be?”

“I don’t know, Pads, I was scared.”

Sirius studies him for a moment, “Do you want to cuddle?”

“What?” Remus turns his head on the couch to look at Sirius.

Sirius looks away, “I just thought we could… cuddle…” Sirius trails off nervously, gesturing to the space beside him on the couch.

“I- yeah, okay.” Remus smiles, and moves over to the couch, curling up against Sirius’ side.

“So how far did you get in your discussion?” James asks as he walks back into the room, carrying the parchment.

“Uh-”

“Nowhere, just as I thought.”

“Hey! We discussed the sex thing.”

James rolls his eyes, “This is what I expected really. Shall we try my way then?”

Sirius narrows his eyes at his friend, “And what exactly is your way? Cause I’m not sure I trust you after you took those papers.”

James snorts, “My way is reading out to you everything that you both wrote down. It’ll give you a starting point.”

Sirius and Remus exchange a look then nod.

“Okay, so for the yeses, we’ve got cuddling,” James gestures at the two of them, “hand-holding, sharing a bed, forehead kisses-”

“Is there another way?” Sirius asks, shifting slightly.

“I could give you the list, I crossed out anything that didn’t match. And put a star next to things that the other didn’t mention.”

“You couldn’t have started with that option?”

James shrugs, “It was more fun this way.”

“James.”

James laughs, “Okay, okay. I suggest you look at them separately first.”

“You’re a monster.” Remus says as he disentangles himself from Sirius who moves so he’s sitting on the far side of the couch. James looks at the lists, and hands them each a paper.

Sirius looks at his own, glancing up briefly to see Remus studying his own paper. Sirius turns his attention back to his own page. There’s not a lot of things crossed out on his page, he thinks Remus probably has more.

Remus nudges him with his toe after a bit, “Do you wanna trade?”

Sirius looks back at his list, and the few crossed out items, “You sure?”

Remus nods holding his paper out to Sirius.

“I-”

“Siri?” Remus tilts his head to look at him, “Siri, what’s wrong?”

Sirius shakes his head, “Sorry, yeah.” He takes a deep breath and hands his paper to Remus, only hesitating a second before he takes the paper Remus is offering to him. Sirius carefully unrolls the parchment, and looks at the list. His eyes widen slightly, and he’s pleasantly pleased to discover that there’s only a couple of things crossed off on Remus’ list as well, one of which is the sex they had already discussed. Sort of.

Sirius stares at one of the things that has a star next to it. He had thought about it, a lot, but he didn’t know which part of the list to put it on.

“I- I don’t know what to say. What to do.”

“I recommend nothing for now.” James cuts in, startling Sirius who had forgot he was there, “Take your cuddling, and bed sharing if you want, and sleep on it.”

“And then what?”

“And then… discuss.” James pauses, thinking, “Discuss one item a day, to start. Is my suggestion.”

“Right,” Remus mutters.

“Right,” Sirius mutters, glancing at Remus.

“Okay!” James exclaims, clapping his hands together once, “I’m going to go. I feel like I’m now starting to make things more awkward instead of less, and not in a good way. But I’m here, if you need me.”

“Thanks Jamie.”

One half of James’ mouth twitches upwards, “Anytime, Padfoot, anytime. You too, Moony. I’m your soulmate too. I don’t take sides, and I’m never going to think you’re a terrible person.”

“You heard that?”

James nods, he stands and makes his way to the front door, “Bye, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, yeah?”

They both murmur their assent. They sit in silence for a few minutes after James leaves, neither moving from their spot on the couch.

“So… sleep?” Remus ventures. Sirius nods, glancing quickly at him and away again, “Do you… want to sleep in my room? You don’t have to, and I don’t expect you to, but I’m offering.”

Sirius nods, “Before we go, I just want to discuss one thing tonight.”

“Okay.”

“Can we agree that every question, is simply a question. So that you can offer your bed, and we’ll both just always know that it’s okay to say no. Not that I don’t trust you, or think that you don’t trust me, but everything is awkward right now. So we should say things outright, and just… we always know that ‘no’ is an option.”

“Okay.” Remus nods, “Can we also agree that, for now at least, we’ll ask about everything? Even the yeses that we share. Because we may not always agree on what each of those mean.”

“Okay. but for now? Can we just sleep? Nothing new tonight, no testing boundaries. Just normal. Like we’ve always done?”

Remus’ mouth twitches, “Normal. I like that we have a normal.”

“Me too.” They stand together, and make their way to Remus’ bedroom. Sirius pauses outside the doorway, and detours to his room to get changed. When he returns to Remus’ room his is already curled up under the blankets, lying on his back watching the doorway. Sirius quickly crawls in beside him, lying on his back, shoulder brushing Remus’.

“Moony?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we spoon? It’s not exactly normal, but it’s not entirely new.”

Remus doesn’t answer for a moment, and Sirius turns his head to look at him, waiting patiently.

Remus takes a deep breath, “I know we said nothing new… but could I be the little spoon? We don’t-” He cuts himself off.

“I think that’s similar enough, I’d love to be your big spoon.”

Remus lets out a soft breath, and turns on his side, back to Sirius who sidles closer and wraps his arms around his soulmate.

“Goodnight, Sirius.”

“Night, Re.”

***

Sirius wakes up gradually, slowly becoming aware of different parts of his body. His left arm is asleep where Remus is laying on it. His legs are tangled with Remus’. His right hand is trapped against Remus’ chest by his own. They are still covered by the blanket, and Sirius is sweating. And he has morning wood.

He hates morning wood, deals with it by ignoring it until it goes away, however this time is it made worse because it happens to be pressed up against Remus. He slowly tries to disentangle himself, starting with his legs. He is able to get his legs untangled, and he carefully tries to move his hips away from Remus.

The movement wakes him up though and Remus pushes himself back against Sirius again. Sirius tenses, breathing deeply and holding his breath. Remus shifts groggily, “Sirius?”

“Yes?” Sirius’ voice is clipped.

Remus rolls slightly so that he can look at Sirius over his shoulder, “You okay?”

Sirius shakes his head.

“What do you need me to do?”

“Move,” Sirius whispers, “Please.” his voice cracks.

Remus quickly scrambles away, “What’s wrong? Can I help?”

Sirius shakes his head and gestures at his erection.

“It doesn’t bother me,” Remus says softly, pulling a knee to his chest where he’s sitting on the bed.

“It bothers me!” Sirius snaps in reply.

“Okay. So what should we do?”

“I- what?”

“Do you want to take spooning off the ‘yes’ list?”

“No,” Sirius whispers, “no I like it, just not…”

“So maybe not while we’re sleeping then?”

“What?”

“With the involuntary erections? We can spoon on the couch, or just lazy days in bed. Just not while sleeping. Yeah?”

“You’re amazing, Moons.”

Remus smiles, “So are you.”

***

“Padfoot?” Remus asks, poking his head into the living room where Sirius is reading on the couch, “Could we… talk about another thing on the list?”

Sirius swallows, “Which list was it on?”

“Mine.”

“Okay.”

Remus walks over to sit beside Sirius on the couch, “Kissing, Sirius. It wasn’t on your list.”

“Right.”

“Sirius! Help me out here.”

Sirius smirks, sighing dramatically, “Fine! I did think of it, but I wasn’t sure where to put it so I didn’t write it down.”

“Okay.”

“I- do you want to try it?”

“Yes. Do you?”

“I… don’t know.”

“Okay.” Remus stands, and returns to the kitchen leaving Sirius staring after him. He comes back a few minutes later with two cups of tea, Sirius still staring at the doorway.

“Siri? You okay?”

“What? I- you left.”

“To get tea.” Remus lifts the teacups slightly higher in the air.

“What about the- the kissing?”

“You said you didn’t know, we don’t have to do anything until you’re ready. Or not at all. You know that, we talked about it last night.”

“Right. Right. Could we- would you kiss me?”

“Are you sure?” Remus asks, setting down the cups of tea.

“Yeah, please?”

Remus nods, sitting on the couch beside Sirius. He shuffles closer, turning sideways so that he’s facing his soulmate. He studies Sirius for a moment, before leaning in. He closes his eyes at the last moment and then his lips are softly touching Sirius’. Sirius closes his eyes, sitting very still until Remus moves away again.

When Sirius opens his eyes, Remus is watching him, small smile on his lips, “Is that a no then?”

“Why would you think it was a no?” Sirius asks, fidgeting.

“You were very tense.”

Sirius sighs, “I don’t know, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I was surprised.”

“Okay so now what?”

“I- why can’t you offer up an idea?”

“I could, but this is your boundary so you get the final say.”

Sirius sighs letting his head flop back onto the back of the couch, “Help me, Re.”

Remus scrubs his hands over his face, “I think we should try again then, now that you’ll know what to expect.”

“Okay, yeah.” Sirius stares at Remus who stares back. Sirius frowns, why isn’t he- oh of course, because question every time, and he- Sirius closes his eyes briefly, “Can I kiss you?”

Remus blinks in surprise but nods, watching Sirius. Sirius takes a deep breath, leaning in, he watches until Remus closes his eyes and then he does so as well. His lips softly brush against Remus’ and he feels them move gently. Remus pulls back first again, and Sirius immediately opens his eyes.

“Was it bad? Am I bad kisser?” Sirius asks.

“No, Pads, it was great.”

Sirius grins.

Remus smiles back at him, “So what did you think? Is it moving to the yes list?”

“Uh, yeah, sure.”

“Sirius?”

“What? It’s not my favourite thing in the world, and I don’t want to do it all the time, but it makes you happy.”

“Sirius, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“I’m not, Moony!” Sirius continues when Remus looks at him in disbelief, “It doesn’t bother me. I’m good. I want to do this for you, it’s a yes, for now at least.”

“Sirius.”

“I want to do this for you!” He just wants to be able to give him this one thing.

“No.”

“What?”

“It makes you uncomfortable, and I’m not going to do something that makes you uncomfortable.”

“But it makes you happy!”

“Not if you’re upset!” Remus yells. He sighs, voice thick with pain when he says, “You think I can be happy when my actions are upsetting you?”

Sirius sighs, “I just want you to be happy.”

“You make me happy, Siri. You.”

Sirius smiles, “You make me happy too, you’re my Moon, and I’m your Star.”

Remus stares at Sirius, face blank as he slowly reaches behind him. He pulls the throw pillow out from behind him and proceeds to hit Sirius in the side of the head with it, “That was horrible!”

Sirius laughs as he rolls off the couch and away from Remus and his pillow. Remus jumps after him, and they wrestle on the floor for a bit, though Sirius is laughing too hard to do much so it’s mostly just Remus hitting him with the pillow.

When Sirius gasps “I can’t breathe,” between bouts of laughter Remus finally relents with the pillow though he stays where he is, straddling Sirius.

Sirius watches Remus, who watches him as he catches his breath. Sirius reaches up, wraps his hands around Remus’ neck, and pulls him down. He plants a kiss on his forehead, when he releases him Remus lets himself drop so that he’s laying on Sirius’ chest.

“What are you doing? Did I break you?” Sirius asks, craning his neck to look at Remus’ face, “Are you blushing?” he grins as the colour on Remus’ cheeks darkens, “You’re blushing! Moony, that’s adorable! I’ve never seen you blush before!” Sirius shifts around trying to get Remus to sit up again so he can see his face. When he finally manages it Remus avoids his gaze, looking determinedly to the side, “Oh come on, Re, look at me! You’re adorable!”

Remus shifts slightly, glancing at Sirius who is grinning wide. He smacks Sirius lightly in the chest before turning his gaze away again. Sirius sits up and pulls Remus into a hug. Remus immediately buries his face in his neck. Sirius wraps his arms around Remus’ neck one of his hands resting in front of his own face. He bites down on his knuckle trying to stifle the laughter that is threatening to escape.

He takes a deep breath to steady his voice, “You’re cute, Remus.”

Remus starts shaking against him causing Sirius to panic for a moment before he realizes that he’s laughing.

***

“Moony!” Sirius yells as he walks into the flat. There’s no answer so Sirius wanders through the rooms searching for his soulmate. He searches every room twice, and casts a spell to reveal any humans in the house. Empty.

He breathes a sigh of relief, and runs to his room to grab his dress robes, and his magic mirror. He sets the mirror on the kitchen table, and quickly runs out of the house, dress robes in hand. He disapparates off the front step, reappearing on James’ front step. He knocks on the door, giddy. Lily opens the door, surprise and suspicion warring on her features.

“What are you doing here?”

“Waiting for Remus to call James on the mirror.”

“Why would Remus call James on the mirror?” Lily asks, stepping aside to let Sirius into the flat.

“Because we have dinner plans and I should be home by now.”

Lily sighs, “Should I even ask why you aren’t at home then?”

Sirius smiles wide, “Cause I have a plan!” He exclaims, holding up his dress robes.

“Which is?”

Sirius gasps, hand to his chest, “I can’t tell you, Lily, it’s bad luck!”

Lily throws her hands up in exasperation, “So we’re just waiting then?”

“Yes!” Sirius says excitedly.

“Lily!” James yells from somewhere deeper in the flat, “Is that Sirius?”

“Yes!” She yells back, rolling her eyes at Sirius.

There’s silence for a moment before James bursts into the entryway, “Remus called.”

“Already?” Sirius asks, eyes wide, “What did you tell him?”

James frowns, “That you were here, and I didn’t know why, and that I’d send you home as soon as I found out?”

Sirius breathes a sigh of relief, “Okay good, then I have a couple minutes. I gotta go change!” Sirius pushes past James and Lily who are both staring at him gaping.

He returns a few moments later dressed in his dress robes, and carrying a colourful bouquet of flowers.

“How do I look?”

“Wonderful, Pads, but why?”

“Can’t tell you, it’s bad luck. Besides I didn’t think you were this dumb.” Sirius sticks his tongue out at James and makes to walk out the door. Lily stops him, straightening his robes.

“Good luck, Sirius, though I don’t think you’ll need it.”

Sirius grins and steps outside, disapparating off the step and returning to his own house. He takes a deep breath when he lands, and then another as he knocks on the door.

Remus opens it, looking slightly flustered, “Sirius! Where were- what are you wearing?”

“Remus Moony Lupin-”

“You know ‘Moony’ isn’t actually my middle name right?”

“-will you go on a date with me?”

Remus stares at him, stunned, for a full minute.

“Moony?”

“Yes! Sorry, yes! Right now?” Sirius nods, “Okay, I- just let me go change.” He looks Sirius up and down, taking in the fancy robes again and the flowers,  “Are those for me?” He asks gesturing to the flowers.

“Oh! Right, yes.” He holds them out to Remus who takes them smiling.

“Thanks, Siri.”

Sirius grins, following his soulmate into their kitchen to find a vase. Remus finds one first, and fills it with water, setting the flowers in it. He stares at them for a moment before he rushes out of the room to go get changed. Sirius stares after him happily.

He returns a few minutes later, fiddling with his sleeves. Sirius’ face lights up in another smile when he sees him.

“Ready?”

“Ready.” Remus smiles, face lighting up as he takes Sirius’ hand to walk through the door. Sirius squeezes it, never wanting to let go.

  



End file.
